On not deciding how or when God will show you things...

I suppose I should blog here once in a while. I think about it all the time. I just don't know what to write. I'm in a period of reflection lately, far less studying, falling behind in all the sermons I used to keep up with. But this time is different than usual. Most of the time, when I go through periods of withdrawal from God and from passionate learning, it's some sort of rebellion. This time, it's not. This time, it's more of a wall I'm hitting but through circumstance as of late, I might actually get through it.

See, there is a boy who is quite fond of me. But the whole situation is unsettling because of a post I wrote here a while back about God loving me. I won't go back and read it because I don't want to affect my memory of it for the sake of this post, but the way I remember it, I wondered why I expect God to take it all away from me all the time. Why would a loving God, who wants to see me smile once in a while, always be threatening to take everything I love away?

And so there's this boy and no matter how hard it is to admit it, I adore him. And I do know that it's all in God's hands and God could very well take it all away from me at any moment, but I know we'll be ok, regardless of what happens. I know that I am a child of God first and everything else comes second, if at all.

But I also know that it is so hard for me to trust.

And I can't help but wonder how God feels about all this because I haven't ever smiled this way. I haven't ever had somebody love me this way. And all the other times in the recent past, I remember having to shut my God off before interacting and this time, I don't. He isn't a Christian, though, but does appreciate my perspective. He lets me talk about God and he actually listens and feeds off my passion. In the land where angry atheism reigns, it's really amazing to be able to talk openly with somebody I love about the God things. So for once, my interactions feed my faith rather than put it on the back burner.

But there is this trust thing. Does God really want me to be happy? Isn't that a frivolous thought? Don't we grow more in suffering? Don't we look to God more in pain?

Sometimes, rainclouds are necessary for life, but when they break in the dark of night and reveal the stars, we find God there also. And I do have to trust that God does want me to see Him in the stars and the things of beauty and the feelings of awe. And I have to trust that God might also want to teach me to love Him more through bonding me to another person to my utmost human ability. I have to trust that I am not certain that my life will be spent as some sort of modern day, first world martyr. It is not a certainty as much as anything else is.

Why would God take away everything I love to test my love for Him, when it's my sadness and brokenness that I cling to most?

When he hugs me, I look different. My eyes change and I see myself as he describes me. I don't see the sadness I thought was me. I never realized how much I'd come to rely on something that is actually supposed to be temporary as my baseline for existence.

I wasn't depressed. I mean, I may have had instances, sure, but on the whole, I was doing alright. But I had so little trust in God's love for me that the only good things I ever expected were the ones that never left my imagination. And while it seems terribly sad to never expect anything good in one's own reality, I am eternally grateful that my imagination never dulled. I thank God for that.

And so now, this man, this absolute figment of my imagination, who seems to love me so perfectly, becomes reality and in doing so, is teaching me to let go of my fear of God a little and embrace the kind mercy and love of God a little more.

Even though so many seem to take that for granted, it always feels like one of the hardest things for me to grasp.