I wanted to write an epic post about homosexuality and religion one day, full of research and back up and such, but today, in an email discussion with one of my favorite people who happens to be gay, he wrote something that broke my heart and I had to blog it. He was explaining what it was like to grow up gay in a churched family, how he'd fight it, pretend it wasn't there, how he forced himself to date girls as a teenager and when that didn't work, how he committed to staying single for the rest of his life and how horrible that felt.
And then he said, "Then, I left God. I wanted nothing to do with him or the bible. If he was going to create me- a creature destined to hell- I wanted nothing to do with him."
I know some Christians (ok fine, a lot of Christians) believe that homosexuality is a choice. And yet, while those of you who are heterosexual cringe at the thought of being with somebody of the same sex, you fail to realize that you haven't made that choice. You never decided to be heterosexual. Did you? And if you feel you did, are you attracted to the opposite sex?
Recently, after piling up my horribly failed relationships, the abuse, the betrayals and being used, I considered trying out the gay thing. I thought since I fail so horribly at hetero relationships maybe I was a lesbian and didn't know it. But in spite of all of the beautiful lesbian women I know all around me, I just can't bring myself to be attracted to them. Given my terrible history with men, it kind of sucks, but I really can't choose to be gay, even if I wanted to. Obviously, I hope this paragraph is taken with the lighthearted tone I intended. Regardless though, I really can't see being gay as a choice.
In a way, if you compare it to a food you absolutely despise, it's kind of a choice. Your body is repulsed by it, but you're not really physically intolerant or allergic, right? You could, in theory, hold your nose, cram it down your throat and flush it down with some sort of strong tasting beverage, right? But what kind of life would that be if you did that for love?
So here is where religion fails, well, at least one place where it fails: when a person is born a certain way and religion tells them they are doomed to hell, regardless of who they are, what they do, how much they fight against whatever it is they were born with and how much they love God. Religion fails when people are told they aren't good enough for God, that their love for God is not good enough for God. Religion fails catastrophically when people who believe in God and love God reject Him because they can't fit into the religious picture of what a Christian ought to be.
In a sermon I heard on Easter Sunday, my favorite pastor said all you need is Jesus. Not Jesus plus something else, just Jesus. Not Jesus plus baptism or Jesus plus church every Sunday. Just Jesus alone. So why do so many Christians say, "Just Jesus... and repent your homosexuality"?
There are treatments for "un-gayifying" a person, and while I'd like to believe that we all know that deep down, you can't cure gay, the Christians who undergo these programs come out saying what they think everybody wants to hear.
But that's not what I want to hear.
Even if it goes against religion hardcore, I still want to hear Christians say, "God created me this way and God loves me and I will honor God by loving the person He created in me." Even if the person God created happened to be gay.
If God created a person to be homosexual, it wasn't an accident. God knows. God is. So how can it be unexpected?
In the sermon on the mount in Luke Ch 6, Jesus tells us to love those who are hardest to love. Love your enemies. Love those who won't love you in return. Give to those whom you know will never repay you. Love them all. And for a Christian, especially a conservative Christian, aren't homosexuals among the hardest to love?
Maybe, if you listen to Jesus and reach out in love, you'll see the love you're missing out on. I love my homosexual friends. I think they're some of the most amazing and passionate people and are easily the most beautiful souls I've ever met. They truly are. They are so loving and honest. It never even occurred to me not to love them. They are just too awesome.
Is homosexuality a sin? If you're gay, that's something you have to come to terms with. If you're not gay, it's not for you to judge. "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first," Jesus said in John Ch 8:7. And He says it again in Matthew Ch 7:3-5, and Luke Ch 6:41-42. We're all sinners and until we sort out our own sins, who are we to point out the sins of others? More often than not, we're even worse sinners than they are.
So let's work on ourselves first. Let's clean up our own act. Let's strive for real righteousness through the love of Jesus. And while we're authentically repenting and growing towards being sinless, only then will we realize that we just can't do it. We just can't.
Isaiah Ch 64:6 says, "But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags." If everything we strive for in an effort to please God ends up like filthy rags, what's stopping us from loving people? What makes your rags better than mine? What makes your rags better than a homosexual's? Has a homosexual ever judged you as harshly as you've judged them? What makes your rags so righteous?
Think about it.
And then remember in Matthew Ch 28:19-20, Jesus said:
19"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
And we can't forget what He commanded in John Ch 13:34:
34 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
So let's.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
On hate.
One thing I struggle with about this blog and about my life in general is what to do when people you hate are in a position where they can benefit from you.
Obviously, hating people is not godly and not Jesusy at all, but we all have our flaws and one of mine at the moment is a pretty fiery resentment towards the person who betrayed me terribly a few months ago.
A couple of weeks ago or so, he found this blog and started reading it fairly regularly. Seeing his very recognizable IP in my stats made me really uncomfortable and my writing started to change. I let it simmer for a while, wondering if Jesus would want me to ease up and let him read it in hopes that maybe he might learn something and become a better Christian, but I decided I'm just not strong enough. I asked his friend to tell him to back off, and the friend, for whatever reason, didn't step in and protect either of us from the inevitable hurt that would ensue when I finally stepped up and told the person who betrayed me to kindly leave my blog (and my life) in peace.
Where is the line between helping somebody whose soul is completely lost find Jesus and being used by a demon-like person?
This person, in spite of being responsible for the most horrible betrayal I have ever known, had no idea that reading my blog was an invasion of my person and my life. How does a person who is responsible for so much hurt not realize it unless they don't feel it at all? That idea dabbles into the realm of sociopathy, and that's where it becomes scary for me. If there is no real treatment a sociopath can successfully complete, then there is no way he will ever be able to really know Jesus either, and therefore, there is no way my blog will help other than to give him more fodder to memorize and use to manipulate people.
When he was with me, he reflected my heart to me, and without intending on sounding too prideful, I do have a good heart. When we parted ways, he vowed to work on himself, his fundamental selfishness and his utter meanness, but after the conversation yesterday that resulted from me telling him not to come here anymore, it became obvious that without me around to constantly set his emotions straight and constantly guide him as to what it is to have a loving and kind heart, his heart is dying. Whomever he is reflecting at the moment is not good for him nor his soul. Whomever he is reflecting doesn't have a good heart and consequently, his output into the world is... well... icky.
If a sociopath can't be treated, then at the very minimum, they should try to surround themselves with the most godly people around so that even if they do spend their lives imitating the emotions of others, they're at least imitating righteous and loving ones.
But it can't be me. The feelings of violation that come with being betrayed so badly and finding out everything was an elaborate lie are just too overwhelming to reach out through them. I can't be responsible for giving him the tools to hurt more people. I can't be responsible for him fooling unsuspecting, kind people into thinking he's a good man through reflecting me. The goodness in my own heart will not be a stepping stone for manipulation and just plain works of evil. No way.
But is it godly of me to selectively spread the Gospel? No. It's not very Christian. But I'm a child of God, and if my person is threatened, I have to stand up for myself. I'm a child of God, and not everything in the world is under my control. I can't fix everybody and it's not my job to either. I can try, which I did for over a year and a half with this person, but when my person starts to shatter and I stop being useful to the kingdom of God, it has to end.
What if some people simply cannot be saved? What if some people are the embodiment of Satan? Is that possible? Is it unChristian to suggest it?
If somebody else with whom I don't see eye to eye with reads this blog, it may throw me off for a couple of posts, but I'll get over it and keep on blogging for God. But when somebody whose soul scares mine on top of all of the hurt and betrayal reads this blog... no. I'll pray for him, pray for God to change his heart, pray for God to make him feel, but I can't be a productive Christian when my soul is so negatively affected.
I decided not to help him be a better Christian. On top of my lack of forgiveness and the hate he stirs up inside me, the fact that he is in my life in anyway dramatically affects my salvation. It really does. All of my worst emotions and resentment surround his affect in my life. In a way, they keep me humble because I know the level of hate and anger I am capable of and without a doubt, God knows that about my heart better than I do.
All I can do is ask for forgiveness from God and ask for the strength to overcome the most broken parts of my soul.
Obviously, hating people is not godly and not Jesusy at all, but we all have our flaws and one of mine at the moment is a pretty fiery resentment towards the person who betrayed me terribly a few months ago.
A couple of weeks ago or so, he found this blog and started reading it fairly regularly. Seeing his very recognizable IP in my stats made me really uncomfortable and my writing started to change. I let it simmer for a while, wondering if Jesus would want me to ease up and let him read it in hopes that maybe he might learn something and become a better Christian, but I decided I'm just not strong enough. I asked his friend to tell him to back off, and the friend, for whatever reason, didn't step in and protect either of us from the inevitable hurt that would ensue when I finally stepped up and told the person who betrayed me to kindly leave my blog (and my life) in peace.
Where is the line between helping somebody whose soul is completely lost find Jesus and being used by a demon-like person?
This person, in spite of being responsible for the most horrible betrayal I have ever known, had no idea that reading my blog was an invasion of my person and my life. How does a person who is responsible for so much hurt not realize it unless they don't feel it at all? That idea dabbles into the realm of sociopathy, and that's where it becomes scary for me. If there is no real treatment a sociopath can successfully complete, then there is no way he will ever be able to really know Jesus either, and therefore, there is no way my blog will help other than to give him more fodder to memorize and use to manipulate people.
When he was with me, he reflected my heart to me, and without intending on sounding too prideful, I do have a good heart. When we parted ways, he vowed to work on himself, his fundamental selfishness and his utter meanness, but after the conversation yesterday that resulted from me telling him not to come here anymore, it became obvious that without me around to constantly set his emotions straight and constantly guide him as to what it is to have a loving and kind heart, his heart is dying. Whomever he is reflecting at the moment is not good for him nor his soul. Whomever he is reflecting doesn't have a good heart and consequently, his output into the world is... well... icky.
If a sociopath can't be treated, then at the very minimum, they should try to surround themselves with the most godly people around so that even if they do spend their lives imitating the emotions of others, they're at least imitating righteous and loving ones.
But it can't be me. The feelings of violation that come with being betrayed so badly and finding out everything was an elaborate lie are just too overwhelming to reach out through them. I can't be responsible for giving him the tools to hurt more people. I can't be responsible for him fooling unsuspecting, kind people into thinking he's a good man through reflecting me. The goodness in my own heart will not be a stepping stone for manipulation and just plain works of evil. No way.
But is it godly of me to selectively spread the Gospel? No. It's not very Christian. But I'm a child of God, and if my person is threatened, I have to stand up for myself. I'm a child of God, and not everything in the world is under my control. I can't fix everybody and it's not my job to either. I can try, which I did for over a year and a half with this person, but when my person starts to shatter and I stop being useful to the kingdom of God, it has to end.
What if some people simply cannot be saved? What if some people are the embodiment of Satan? Is that possible? Is it unChristian to suggest it?
If somebody else with whom I don't see eye to eye with reads this blog, it may throw me off for a couple of posts, but I'll get over it and keep on blogging for God. But when somebody whose soul scares mine on top of all of the hurt and betrayal reads this blog... no. I'll pray for him, pray for God to change his heart, pray for God to make him feel, but I can't be a productive Christian when my soul is so negatively affected.
I decided not to help him be a better Christian. On top of my lack of forgiveness and the hate he stirs up inside me, the fact that he is in my life in anyway dramatically affects my salvation. It really does. All of my worst emotions and resentment surround his affect in my life. In a way, they keep me humble because I know the level of hate and anger I am capable of and without a doubt, God knows that about my heart better than I do.
All I can do is ask for forgiveness from God and ask for the strength to overcome the most broken parts of my soul.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Daily bread.
Two things tweeted by PastorTyler this afternoon, which are quotes from Pastor JD Greear from the Advance 09 conference:
"Religious people do "things" to feel good about themselves so they can avoid God."
"Religion reduces God to a set of duties."
So as discussed in my post from earlier today, as a Christian I feel it has become my duty to be a part of the church, and to measure up to fellow Christians, I should be a part of a Christian community (i.e. a church).
In discussing the first quote above with one of my all-time favorite people, Erin, she didn't entirely agree and said, "A lot of things that I do, I do to become closer to God. I believe in worship by actions rather than merely prayer or church attendance."
I guess in a perfect world, our entire life would draw us closer to God, reflect God and bring glory to God also, but we human people are all fundamentally selfish and we're really busy, right? But if we only were to make time for one or the other, in my experience thus far, a person has a greater positive impact on the world around them when they live a life as my awesome friend suggests than if they simply go to church and neglect Jesus in their every day living, afflicted with "Christian Sunday Syndrome", as Erin called it..
Therefore, by studying the Gospel, trying to live the Gospel more and more every day, and trying to teach the Gospel to those around me, I feel I'm a better Christian than I would be as a nominal church-going Christian.
God, forgive me for being comparing through judgment. :D
But you know what I mean, right? I'm not in the worst shape as far as my relationship with God and spirituality are concerned. Well, I hope not anyway. I try my best to connect with God as often as I can simply because for me, that connection, or the strong feeling of connectivity with God, is extremely difficult.
I was listening to another sermon from another pastor yesterday (right now, I can't even remember which one) and at one point, he said something like, "God knows your heart. He knows if you really love Him or not and if you're in it for the long term." But do we know our own heart? Are we capable of really knowing ourselves that deeply and with that much certainty? If we aren't, will we ever feel like we've opened our hearts adequately to God? And if we are, where is the boundary between being aware of your salvation and being prideful of salvation you don't really have?
Sometimes, I wonder if I actually believe in God or if I just love everything that comes with the believing- the challenge, the learning, the peace and the love. In the moments where I don't feel God at all, I question my heart. And while I'm told not feeling God's presence usually happens in times of hardship and tragedy because in those moments, a person feels abandoned by God, personally, lately, I've lost God in the better times. When my heart is at peace, I take advantage to do other things with my time. When there are happy distractions, I let myself go and lose focus. And I really think that those moments are sinful because in my good times, I'm not inviting God in to participate. In the bad times, I'm far more likely to ask God for guidance and help, which is exactly the opposite of how I thought I would feel going into this.
If our suffering is meant to bring us closer to God, I worry that I will have to endure a lot more of it to finally allow God to be present in all aspects of my life. Today, I found myself missing the horrible times I went through a few months ago because I longed for that connectivity to God that I had found in my trauma. I longed for a reason to give up control to God and I wish I could get it somehow aside from through the helplessness that comes in the face of some sort of tragedy.
But I'm glad He was there in those times. I'm grateful that He helped me heal and continues to do so every day. I thought I would never get over it. I thought my heart would never mend and that the wounds would stay perfectly fresh and my anger unbelievably boiling. Time may heal wounds, but I really thought there wasn't enough time in the world to heal these and God stepped in.
But I wish He could step in now. Just on a regular weekday afternoon.
And I guess, somehow, striving for that connection all the time, even if I don't go to church (yet), keeps me from avoiding God and on the other hand, as long as I see church as a "duty", I shouldn't go either. I should go for that same desire and longing for God, not just because I want to feel good about my "wholeness" in Christianity.
Let's see what else has been posted from Advance 09's sessions of today. lol
"Religious people do "things" to feel good about themselves so they can avoid God."
"Religion reduces God to a set of duties."
So as discussed in my post from earlier today, as a Christian I feel it has become my duty to be a part of the church, and to measure up to fellow Christians, I should be a part of a Christian community (i.e. a church).
In discussing the first quote above with one of my all-time favorite people, Erin, she didn't entirely agree and said, "A lot of things that I do, I do to become closer to God. I believe in worship by actions rather than merely prayer or church attendance."
I guess in a perfect world, our entire life would draw us closer to God, reflect God and bring glory to God also, but we human people are all fundamentally selfish and we're really busy, right? But if we only were to make time for one or the other, in my experience thus far, a person has a greater positive impact on the world around them when they live a life as my awesome friend suggests than if they simply go to church and neglect Jesus in their every day living, afflicted with "Christian Sunday Syndrome", as Erin called it..
Therefore, by studying the Gospel, trying to live the Gospel more and more every day, and trying to teach the Gospel to those around me, I feel I'm a better Christian than I would be as a nominal church-going Christian.
God, forgive me for being comparing through judgment. :D
But you know what I mean, right? I'm not in the worst shape as far as my relationship with God and spirituality are concerned. Well, I hope not anyway. I try my best to connect with God as often as I can simply because for me, that connection, or the strong feeling of connectivity with God, is extremely difficult.
I was listening to another sermon from another pastor yesterday (right now, I can't even remember which one) and at one point, he said something like, "God knows your heart. He knows if you really love Him or not and if you're in it for the long term." But do we know our own heart? Are we capable of really knowing ourselves that deeply and with that much certainty? If we aren't, will we ever feel like we've opened our hearts adequately to God? And if we are, where is the boundary between being aware of your salvation and being prideful of salvation you don't really have?
Sometimes, I wonder if I actually believe in God or if I just love everything that comes with the believing- the challenge, the learning, the peace and the love. In the moments where I don't feel God at all, I question my heart. And while I'm told not feeling God's presence usually happens in times of hardship and tragedy because in those moments, a person feels abandoned by God, personally, lately, I've lost God in the better times. When my heart is at peace, I take advantage to do other things with my time. When there are happy distractions, I let myself go and lose focus. And I really think that those moments are sinful because in my good times, I'm not inviting God in to participate. In the bad times, I'm far more likely to ask God for guidance and help, which is exactly the opposite of how I thought I would feel going into this.
If our suffering is meant to bring us closer to God, I worry that I will have to endure a lot more of it to finally allow God to be present in all aspects of my life. Today, I found myself missing the horrible times I went through a few months ago because I longed for that connectivity to God that I had found in my trauma. I longed for a reason to give up control to God and I wish I could get it somehow aside from through the helplessness that comes in the face of some sort of tragedy.
But I'm glad He was there in those times. I'm grateful that He helped me heal and continues to do so every day. I thought I would never get over it. I thought my heart would never mend and that the wounds would stay perfectly fresh and my anger unbelievably boiling. Time may heal wounds, but I really thought there wasn't enough time in the world to heal these and God stepped in.
But I wish He could step in now. Just on a regular weekday afternoon.
And I guess, somehow, striving for that connection all the time, even if I don't go to church (yet), keeps me from avoiding God and on the other hand, as long as I see church as a "duty", I shouldn't go either. I should go for that same desire and longing for God, not just because I want to feel good about my "wholeness" in Christianity.
Let's see what else has been posted from Advance 09's sessions of today. lol
Resurgence of the Local Church.
There's a conference on right now in North Carolina, and if I had had the means, I so would have wanted to be there. It's called Advance 09 and it's a gathering of some pretty crazy successful pastors who are there to preach about the resurgence of the local church.
Last night, they posted the talks from Day 1, posted here, and so far, I've listened to Mark Driscoll's talk on "What is the church?" and about half of Tyler Jones' talk on the resurgence.
I have to say, after listening to Mark Driscoll's talk, I rebelled hard inside. The church as he defined it is too hard. It's too much work. It's too much commitment. It's just too much. I'm a lazy girl. I love learning about Christianity and growing in Jesus, but am I prepared to give up everything? Am I prepared to give up my time and energy to serve in such an extreme way?
As Pastor Driscoll explained what the church should be, immediately, I felt inadequate and my first reaction to that inadequacy was to run away from it. "This is too fundamental for me," I thought. "There's more to life than church," I also thought. I've had bad enough experiences with the church that the thought of devoting my life to the church itself is nearly impossible for me to fathom.
And then Tyler Jones' talk started. After listening to Tyler's sermons for probably a year now, I've come to know that he always expresses his love for his wife in the most awesome and beautiful way. She has to be the luckiest woman alive. If Oprah would ever have him on her show and he talked about his wife, he'd instantly have the millions of ladies watching craving that kind of love and beginning to refuse to settle for anything less than a truly godly man. It's a really powerful and moving thing to hear, especially for a girl with a broken past who isn't sure if men actually have even the ability to love.
But he gets up there, and he starts describing what his bride meant to him, how she was holy, whole and beautiful and how he cherished her with all his being. It was unbelievably moving. And then he throws in how the church is Jesus' bride. It makes it hard to rebel against the church. It makes it hard to hang onto the deep-seeded resentment and condescension towards what the church has become when such a clear picture of what it should be is laid out in front of you. The church is supposed to be a beautiful thing. A holy thing.
And so my problem really isn't the church itself, but the way it has gotten off track, the way the bride of Jesus has forgotten Jesus. And by not standing up for Jesus and not being a part of the solution, I've forgotten Jesus too.
But I have no idea where to start to fix it. I really have no idea. I mean, I still haven't even found a church here. Honestly, I spend a lot of time every week on Jesus. I listen to so many sermons, I read my Bible often and I suffocate myself with books pertaining to religion in a variety of forms (albeit, slowly because I'm not the fastest reader...) and I think that's enough. I think I devote enough time to Jesus and that self-righteous perspective makes it difficult to get motivated to do any more, especially when the next step is to get other people involved. Sure, I talk about Jesus with anybody who has an open ear for Him (and sometimes, I slip Him in when they don't), and I do try to spread Jesus that way, but I lack the community aspect of it- the social responsibility.
I have to work on that...
Another excuse I give is my dogs. I can't just get up and go on a mission or something because I am committed to my dogs. I promised them a lifetime, and I intend to provide that for them for however long they bless me with their heartbeat. Some might say, "They're just dogs," but they're lives. They're flesh and thought and feeling, just as I am. They're God's children too and with so many dogs suffering in our society, making a commitment to take care of these two is the least I can do, especially considering all that dogs have done for me in my own lifetime. God put dogs in my life from Day 1 for a reason, and in my mind, loving them and cherishing them and fighting for their rights and welfare is part of worshiping that which God has provided for me in order that I might survive. They're His creation and they are a gift to me.
The last excuse [for the purpose of this post :D] is this blog. Part of the reason I started this blog was to minister, in a way. Through spiritual discussions with friends, I've been told I have a knack for explaining Jesusy things in such a way that non-believers have a clearer picture of what Jesus was about and believers, through my different perspective as a new believer, understand Jesus in a more profound way. I have a passion for it, and somehow, God has also given me the gift of the gab and a talent for writing, so it was only a matter of time before all three combined.
It's taken me a while to figure this out, and I have so many drafts started and so many ideas scribbled down on the back of receipts for future posts. Even if an online form of worship goes against what I took from Mark Driscoll's idea of a real church (and maybe Jesus' too, but I hope not), I want to open the non-believing people who stumble upon this blog up to all things Jesusy in such a way that they don't rebel harshly against it. I want to provide a fresh, somewhat educated perspective that hopefully will encourage people who come here to seek a relationship with God by starting at a personal level rather than starting from religion, where they clearly have an emotional block.
I'm not perfect and I'm not even that knowledgeable (not at all, actually) and consequently, I have so much back up research to do before I finish my drafts, but I hope that I can convey what I'm learning along with the passion as I learn it and in the process, worship God, bring people closer to Jesus and use the strength acquired from being open about God on the internet to step out of my comfort zone and help build a community outside the internet.
That's the plan.
Or maybe it's just an elaborate set of excuses to not get involved immediately.
Either way, I'm still learning and still growing.
Last night, they posted the talks from Day 1, posted here, and so far, I've listened to Mark Driscoll's talk on "What is the church?" and about half of Tyler Jones' talk on the resurgence.
I have to say, after listening to Mark Driscoll's talk, I rebelled hard inside. The church as he defined it is too hard. It's too much work. It's too much commitment. It's just too much. I'm a lazy girl. I love learning about Christianity and growing in Jesus, but am I prepared to give up everything? Am I prepared to give up my time and energy to serve in such an extreme way?
As Pastor Driscoll explained what the church should be, immediately, I felt inadequate and my first reaction to that inadequacy was to run away from it. "This is too fundamental for me," I thought. "There's more to life than church," I also thought. I've had bad enough experiences with the church that the thought of devoting my life to the church itself is nearly impossible for me to fathom.
And then Tyler Jones' talk started. After listening to Tyler's sermons for probably a year now, I've come to know that he always expresses his love for his wife in the most awesome and beautiful way. She has to be the luckiest woman alive. If Oprah would ever have him on her show and he talked about his wife, he'd instantly have the millions of ladies watching craving that kind of love and beginning to refuse to settle for anything less than a truly godly man. It's a really powerful and moving thing to hear, especially for a girl with a broken past who isn't sure if men actually have even the ability to love.
But he gets up there, and he starts describing what his bride meant to him, how she was holy, whole and beautiful and how he cherished her with all his being. It was unbelievably moving. And then he throws in how the church is Jesus' bride. It makes it hard to rebel against the church. It makes it hard to hang onto the deep-seeded resentment and condescension towards what the church has become when such a clear picture of what it should be is laid out in front of you. The church is supposed to be a beautiful thing. A holy thing.
And so my problem really isn't the church itself, but the way it has gotten off track, the way the bride of Jesus has forgotten Jesus. And by not standing up for Jesus and not being a part of the solution, I've forgotten Jesus too.
But I have no idea where to start to fix it. I really have no idea. I mean, I still haven't even found a church here. Honestly, I spend a lot of time every week on Jesus. I listen to so many sermons, I read my Bible often and I suffocate myself with books pertaining to religion in a variety of forms (albeit, slowly because I'm not the fastest reader...) and I think that's enough. I think I devote enough time to Jesus and that self-righteous perspective makes it difficult to get motivated to do any more, especially when the next step is to get other people involved. Sure, I talk about Jesus with anybody who has an open ear for Him (and sometimes, I slip Him in when they don't), and I do try to spread Jesus that way, but I lack the community aspect of it- the social responsibility.
I have to work on that...
Another excuse I give is my dogs. I can't just get up and go on a mission or something because I am committed to my dogs. I promised them a lifetime, and I intend to provide that for them for however long they bless me with their heartbeat. Some might say, "They're just dogs," but they're lives. They're flesh and thought and feeling, just as I am. They're God's children too and with so many dogs suffering in our society, making a commitment to take care of these two is the least I can do, especially considering all that dogs have done for me in my own lifetime. God put dogs in my life from Day 1 for a reason, and in my mind, loving them and cherishing them and fighting for their rights and welfare is part of worshiping that which God has provided for me in order that I might survive. They're His creation and they are a gift to me.
The last excuse [for the purpose of this post :D] is this blog. Part of the reason I started this blog was to minister, in a way. Through spiritual discussions with friends, I've been told I have a knack for explaining Jesusy things in such a way that non-believers have a clearer picture of what Jesus was about and believers, through my different perspective as a new believer, understand Jesus in a more profound way. I have a passion for it, and somehow, God has also given me the gift of the gab and a talent for writing, so it was only a matter of time before all three combined.
It's taken me a while to figure this out, and I have so many drafts started and so many ideas scribbled down on the back of receipts for future posts. Even if an online form of worship goes against what I took from Mark Driscoll's idea of a real church (and maybe Jesus' too, but I hope not), I want to open the non-believing people who stumble upon this blog up to all things Jesusy in such a way that they don't rebel harshly against it. I want to provide a fresh, somewhat educated perspective that hopefully will encourage people who come here to seek a relationship with God by starting at a personal level rather than starting from religion, where they clearly have an emotional block.
I'm not perfect and I'm not even that knowledgeable (not at all, actually) and consequently, I have so much back up research to do before I finish my drafts, but I hope that I can convey what I'm learning along with the passion as I learn it and in the process, worship God, bring people closer to Jesus and use the strength acquired from being open about God on the internet to step out of my comfort zone and help build a community outside the internet.
That's the plan.
Or maybe it's just an elaborate set of excuses to not get involved immediately.
Either way, I'm still learning and still growing.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
God gives me a different perspective of traffic.
It's the perfect time to listen to sermons, pray and try to find God in our surroundings, however mundane they may seem at first.
If life is a work of art, here's my attempt at living while stuck in endless traffic.
*it clicks bigger
If life is a work of art, here's my attempt at living while stuck in endless traffic.
*it clicks bigger
Books, Chapters, Verses, Back Stories and Not-So-Common Knowledge...
I remember sitting on his bed, right in the middle, thumbing through the silver-edged pages of my new NIV Bible with the navy blue cover. It was my first Bible ever.
"How does it work?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" he answered.
"Well, what does everything mean? How is it laid out? How do you find things in it?"
He took my Bible from me and sat at the edge of the bed. I moved in close enough that I felt the warmth of my own breath on his shoulder.
"See, this is the New Testament. It's mostly about Jesus, His life and His teachings," he said. "It starts with Matthew," he continued, thumbing through towards Mark and onward. "Then you have Mark, Luke and John. They're all versions of Jesus' life."
He explained it section by section and sometimes book by book, and showed me how the numbers worked too. I think a part of him was beyond surprised at how little I knew about it, and the other part of him thought my enthusiasm wasn't authentic.
Regardless, that was my first taste of my first Bible ever.
I would listen to sermons online from the Bible belt and the pastors would often refer to stories in the Bible vaguely, saying, "Remember the story about [insert Bible character]? We all know what happened there, right?" But I didn't. It made it really hard to feel included when even alone, in the comfort of my own home, I felt like a Bibley virgin, pausing the sermon every few minutes while flipping frantically back and forth trying to find the back stories to which he was referring.
Another church I found, which is in North Carolina, was different. They wanted to appeal to doubters and seekers like me.
"Turn to Matthew," the pastor would say at the beginning of a sermon. "It's the first book of the New Testament." That alone grabbed me.
And then it got more complicated. "Turn to Haggai. It's one of the last books in the Old Testament. Most of you probably didn't even know it existed until today."
He'd go through the book verse by verse, defining all of the words that any good Christian should already know by now, and that form of inclusive preaching reached me at a fundamental level and also made me aware that even the most seemingly religious person often had no idea either, but was too prideful to say so for fear that they'd be perceived as a bad Christian or something similar.
The good teachers teach for their students, not for themselves. They exude a passion and a yearning to spread knowledge rather than to prove they're of superior faculties. I was so fortunate to have had the opportunity to begin my learning equipped with the most awesome, passionate teachers who really love God and taught through that love rather than through the self-proclaimed righteousness that causes so many close-to-home religious missions to fail miserably.
If it's not about who knows more about God and therefore, who is the better Christian, then it becomes about teaching each other how to love the way Jesus commanded. It becomes about helping each other become stronger in our faith rather than stepping on others, priding ourselves in our superior salvation.
If believing in Jesus is enough for salvation, then we should just help each other learn why. It's not a contest. The measure of a man shouldn't be how many hymns he knows or how much scripture he's read, but how much Jesus he has actually spread.
When a friend of mine who is in ministry suggested that I start my own church, I scoffed at the idea. I still consider myself to be a complete novice when it comes to religion, religious history and so on. But I do try to spread Jesus as often as I can. I try to spread the Gospel to those around me who misunderstand it and those who have preconceived notions about it which are negative and basically unfounded, despite them being so widespread and considered the truth about religion.
I do talk about Jesus often, and I try hard to keep it positive and easy too. If I see a window, I peer into it instead of throwing Bibles through it and yelling things about hellfire and salvation. All I want is for their mind's door to open a crack. That's all it took for me. And the generosity, enthusiasm and love that was shown to me by my Christian teachers did the rest.
I just wish more people taught Jesus the way Jesus did rather than hiding Jesus in elitism, cliques and religiosity.
I wish more people, believers and non, had the opportunity to learn and to awaken their soul that I had.
ETA: June 3, 2009- How coincidental is it that Mark Driscoll tweeted this short article on teaching today? :D
"How does it work?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" he answered.
"Well, what does everything mean? How is it laid out? How do you find things in it?"
He took my Bible from me and sat at the edge of the bed. I moved in close enough that I felt the warmth of my own breath on his shoulder.
"See, this is the New Testament. It's mostly about Jesus, His life and His teachings," he said. "It starts with Matthew," he continued, thumbing through towards Mark and onward. "Then you have Mark, Luke and John. They're all versions of Jesus' life."
He explained it section by section and sometimes book by book, and showed me how the numbers worked too. I think a part of him was beyond surprised at how little I knew about it, and the other part of him thought my enthusiasm wasn't authentic.
Regardless, that was my first taste of my first Bible ever.
I would listen to sermons online from the Bible belt and the pastors would often refer to stories in the Bible vaguely, saying, "Remember the story about [insert Bible character]? We all know what happened there, right?" But I didn't. It made it really hard to feel included when even alone, in the comfort of my own home, I felt like a Bibley virgin, pausing the sermon every few minutes while flipping frantically back and forth trying to find the back stories to which he was referring.
Another church I found, which is in North Carolina, was different. They wanted to appeal to doubters and seekers like me.
"Turn to Matthew," the pastor would say at the beginning of a sermon. "It's the first book of the New Testament." That alone grabbed me.
And then it got more complicated. "Turn to Haggai. It's one of the last books in the Old Testament. Most of you probably didn't even know it existed until today."
He'd go through the book verse by verse, defining all of the words that any good Christian should already know by now, and that form of inclusive preaching reached me at a fundamental level and also made me aware that even the most seemingly religious person often had no idea either, but was too prideful to say so for fear that they'd be perceived as a bad Christian or something similar.
The good teachers teach for their students, not for themselves. They exude a passion and a yearning to spread knowledge rather than to prove they're of superior faculties. I was so fortunate to have had the opportunity to begin my learning equipped with the most awesome, passionate teachers who really love God and taught through that love rather than through the self-proclaimed righteousness that causes so many close-to-home religious missions to fail miserably.
If it's not about who knows more about God and therefore, who is the better Christian, then it becomes about teaching each other how to love the way Jesus commanded. It becomes about helping each other become stronger in our faith rather than stepping on others, priding ourselves in our superior salvation.
If believing in Jesus is enough for salvation, then we should just help each other learn why. It's not a contest. The measure of a man shouldn't be how many hymns he knows or how much scripture he's read, but how much Jesus he has actually spread.
When a friend of mine who is in ministry suggested that I start my own church, I scoffed at the idea. I still consider myself to be a complete novice when it comes to religion, religious history and so on. But I do try to spread Jesus as often as I can. I try to spread the Gospel to those around me who misunderstand it and those who have preconceived notions about it which are negative and basically unfounded, despite them being so widespread and considered the truth about religion.
I do talk about Jesus often, and I try hard to keep it positive and easy too. If I see a window, I peer into it instead of throwing Bibles through it and yelling things about hellfire and salvation. All I want is for their mind's door to open a crack. That's all it took for me. And the generosity, enthusiasm and love that was shown to me by my Christian teachers did the rest.
I just wish more people taught Jesus the way Jesus did rather than hiding Jesus in elitism, cliques and religiosity.
I wish more people, believers and non, had the opportunity to learn and to awaken their soul that I had.
ETA: June 3, 2009- How coincidental is it that Mark Driscoll tweeted this short article on teaching today? :D
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Legally Married or Legalistically Single?
I've been thinking about this sex before marriage thing some more because, let's face it, when a girl is in a situation where a boy seems to adore her the thought crosses her mind and as I was driving with my sister-in-law today, we got to talking about the difference between religious rules and doing things because Jesus changed your heart.
I tried to explain to her that not having sex before marriage can go two ways. There may be an infinite number of ways, actually, but for the purposes of this blog post, there'll be two. :D It can either be a rules thing or it can be a love and trust thing.
If a person grows up within the church, abstinence is probably drilled into them from the very beginning, if sex is talked about at all. If sex outside of marriage is a sin and that's why you shouldn't do it, then it becomes a rule, and rules are meant to be broken because we all undoubtedly have our rebellious sides. And if the rule seems baseless, it's even more easily broken because there doesn't seem to be any rational reason strong enough to uphold it.
Sex is a powerful thing. We all know that. So why would we deprive ourselves of it for such frivolous reasons as "sin" when we also know that sin can be forgiven? And for those of us who have already messed up, what's one more? And maybe one more after that?
But for some reason, even though it fails so miserably, the law/religious approach to sex seems to be the doctrine the church and even the parents seem to push. God made us to be married and intimacy is made for that purpose, etc etc, therefore sex is wrong for anybody else- it just doesn't work. The minute we hit our teen years, we rebel. The minute we get out of a relationship, we rebel. We rebel whenever we're given the slightest opportunity and since sex has such a strong pull, maybe we need a better, more satisfying reason than "because God said so".
What if not having sex before marriage is a form of worship?
If God wants me to experience the power and "knowledge*" that comes with sex with only one person, then I should honor that. If sex was created for that context and is only what it should be within that context, why would I waste my time with other kinds of sex? If sex is what God intended it to be in a married couple where both parties are fully committed to each other for life, and anything that is what God intended it to be is worship, then why would we settle for less?
As I said in a previous post, nobody would ever argue that sex with somebody you love is better and more fulfilling than meaningless sex. But why do we settle for the lesser of the two? And if the intimate sex within a great marriage is better than both of those, why would we settle for either?
The pleasure that comes from sex in a lesser form is temporary and generally, doesn't provide a long-lasting satisfaction within the soul. We want more. So, again, why do we constantly settle for less?
It comes down to trust. We have to trust that God really does know better than we do and as a consequence of that trust, we should wait to find out what kind of sex He intended for us, rather than constantly seeking our own incomplete version of it.
And if sex within a committed, married couple is worship, then not having sex as a single person should also be as well. It's a way of honoring God, putting our faith in God and loving him more intensely instead of acting based on lust. It's a way of being what we were intended to be at this phase of our life. That's worship.
If lust wasn't an issue, we'd easily abstain from sex. We wouldn't need the justifications or the discipline to do it. We'd just never have the urge or the desire for sex. We wouldn't need excuses.
But I love God and I believe He has more for me than broken, non-committal sexual relationships. I believe that finding the person who will love me, commit to me and promise to work as hard as he can such that he knows he will still adore me and cherish me for decades to come is more important than sex, and if ever I do get married, it'll be different. There won't be the trust issues, the fear of abandonment, and the fear of betrayal.
Maybe I'm idealistic, but I don't think I'd marry a guy who wasn't in it all the way, and if he is, in theory, I should feel safe enough to be able to let go.
I deserve to feel loved, valued, cherished, admired, respected and adored. And I definitely shouldn't have to put out for a guy to realize why I'm important. I shouldn't have to work so hard either.
The guy I have around right now makes everything easy on me. I don't have to work at all, or at least it doesn't feel like it. He's just there. He's supportive and caring. We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but we don't argue about anything either (so far). Granted, it's still new, but up till now, we both seem to put in equally, and maybe he even puts in more than I do. Ok, way more. I'm totally not used to that. I told him I needed time and he gave me time. I told him I needed to figure out things and he helps me figure out things and gives me the space I ask for. In the meantime, he's proud of me and admires me. Being in such a comfortable place so quickly is totally out of the realm of my universe. So of course, when I'm not messing everything up, sex becomes a topic of conversation. As I mentioned, he's not a believer, and I asked him bluntly if no sex before marriage was something he could handle and he was so supportive of it.
If he wasn't, I would have stayed my course, trusting God and letting Him decide how I should use my sexuality. But I'm not abstaining because it's a sin. I'm abstaining because I love God and I want what He wants for me. I'm letting Him guide me this time around.
And so far, it seems to be working out for the both of us, although I really shouldn't speak for God. :D
*knowledge being the Biblical form as Adam knew Eve. i.e. The kind of "knowledge" intimacy brings.
I tried to explain to her that not having sex before marriage can go two ways. There may be an infinite number of ways, actually, but for the purposes of this blog post, there'll be two. :D It can either be a rules thing or it can be a love and trust thing.
If a person grows up within the church, abstinence is probably drilled into them from the very beginning, if sex is talked about at all. If sex outside of marriage is a sin and that's why you shouldn't do it, then it becomes a rule, and rules are meant to be broken because we all undoubtedly have our rebellious sides. And if the rule seems baseless, it's even more easily broken because there doesn't seem to be any rational reason strong enough to uphold it.
Sex is a powerful thing. We all know that. So why would we deprive ourselves of it for such frivolous reasons as "sin" when we also know that sin can be forgiven? And for those of us who have already messed up, what's one more? And maybe one more after that?
But for some reason, even though it fails so miserably, the law/religious approach to sex seems to be the doctrine the church and even the parents seem to push. God made us to be married and intimacy is made for that purpose, etc etc, therefore sex is wrong for anybody else- it just doesn't work. The minute we hit our teen years, we rebel. The minute we get out of a relationship, we rebel. We rebel whenever we're given the slightest opportunity and since sex has such a strong pull, maybe we need a better, more satisfying reason than "because God said so".
What if not having sex before marriage is a form of worship?
If God wants me to experience the power and "knowledge*" that comes with sex with only one person, then I should honor that. If sex was created for that context and is only what it should be within that context, why would I waste my time with other kinds of sex? If sex is what God intended it to be in a married couple where both parties are fully committed to each other for life, and anything that is what God intended it to be is worship, then why would we settle for less?
As I said in a previous post, nobody would ever argue that sex with somebody you love is better and more fulfilling than meaningless sex. But why do we settle for the lesser of the two? And if the intimate sex within a great marriage is better than both of those, why would we settle for either?
The pleasure that comes from sex in a lesser form is temporary and generally, doesn't provide a long-lasting satisfaction within the soul. We want more. So, again, why do we constantly settle for less?
It comes down to trust. We have to trust that God really does know better than we do and as a consequence of that trust, we should wait to find out what kind of sex He intended for us, rather than constantly seeking our own incomplete version of it.
And if sex within a committed, married couple is worship, then not having sex as a single person should also be as well. It's a way of honoring God, putting our faith in God and loving him more intensely instead of acting based on lust. It's a way of being what we were intended to be at this phase of our life. That's worship.
If lust wasn't an issue, we'd easily abstain from sex. We wouldn't need the justifications or the discipline to do it. We'd just never have the urge or the desire for sex. We wouldn't need excuses.
But I love God and I believe He has more for me than broken, non-committal sexual relationships. I believe that finding the person who will love me, commit to me and promise to work as hard as he can such that he knows he will still adore me and cherish me for decades to come is more important than sex, and if ever I do get married, it'll be different. There won't be the trust issues, the fear of abandonment, and the fear of betrayal.
Maybe I'm idealistic, but I don't think I'd marry a guy who wasn't in it all the way, and if he is, in theory, I should feel safe enough to be able to let go.
I deserve to feel loved, valued, cherished, admired, respected and adored. And I definitely shouldn't have to put out for a guy to realize why I'm important. I shouldn't have to work so hard either.
The guy I have around right now makes everything easy on me. I don't have to work at all, or at least it doesn't feel like it. He's just there. He's supportive and caring. We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but we don't argue about anything either (so far). Granted, it's still new, but up till now, we both seem to put in equally, and maybe he even puts in more than I do. Ok, way more. I'm totally not used to that. I told him I needed time and he gave me time. I told him I needed to figure out things and he helps me figure out things and gives me the space I ask for. In the meantime, he's proud of me and admires me. Being in such a comfortable place so quickly is totally out of the realm of my universe. So of course, when I'm not messing everything up, sex becomes a topic of conversation. As I mentioned, he's not a believer, and I asked him bluntly if no sex before marriage was something he could handle and he was so supportive of it.
If he wasn't, I would have stayed my course, trusting God and letting Him decide how I should use my sexuality. But I'm not abstaining because it's a sin. I'm abstaining because I love God and I want what He wants for me. I'm letting Him guide me this time around.
And so far, it seems to be working out for the both of us, although I really shouldn't speak for God. :D
*knowledge being the Biblical form as Adam knew Eve. i.e. The kind of "knowledge" intimacy brings.
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