Unengage.

It came up in conversation today that my faith is on the back burner. The person implied I was "invested" in the wrong things, and also inferred that choosing to stay in this house, the one my dad built for me in a mad hurry after I left my abusive ex, rather than moving into the newly opened up apartment on the floor below the pastor and his wife in the city meant I was choosing other things over God.

Why is my faith on the back burner? It's not because I'm invested in other things. It's only partly because of my disease, which causes me to spend my time between sleeping, moping, being angry at being mopey and overextending myself only to wind up with even less energy the next day. Only partly because even if I would love to blame my disease for my lack of reading of the Bible these days (I honestly don't have enough focus to wrap my head around it right now, nor the memory to retain it), for my lack of church attendance (I really am too tired to drive that far and "waste" that many spoons on such a short-lived endeavor), and for everything else I've been neglecting lately, but that's just not the root of it.

The root is that I'm angry at faith.

I'm not angry at God. I love God. I pray to Him and explain to Him how I think my prayers are meaningless because of the neglects mentioned in the previous paragraph. God doesn't listen to those who only go to Him when they need something, they say. Repent, they say.

They, they, they.

They make me angry.

I was going to say, "Ever since Tim Keller answered my question asking if he had any advice to give a believer engaged to a non-believer," but it was even before that (by the way, he answered, "Oh, that's easy: get unengaged.").

I think it's ever since I explained to the pastor of this particular Montreal church in explicit detail why I wasn't going to church that I've had this anger. Maybe even before that.

him:
So, where are you at in terms of being part of a gospel community? Are you plugged in anywhere? If not, you should come be a part of [his church] (or at least check out the service piece of it).

me, a day later:
Hi,

I've been trying to figure out how to answer this... No, I'm not plugged in anywhere. I still have a hard time with churchy things, both on and emotional level (the confinement and obligation bothers me) and as a remaining conflict of life-long agnosticism. Also, I tend to lack self-discipline as far as meaning to attend goes, in large part because my job allows me to work at night (I'm a natural night owl) so waking up in single digit time is difficult for me. And by difficult, I don't mean tedious and painful. I actually get really upset about it and cry very easily. :D

All those excuses aside, I think I am having a hard time reconciling church practice with my life. Without intending to sound like a stereotype, I know that my relationship with my boyfriend is not the ideal, but I also know I don't trust God enough to go any other way at this point and somehow going to church seems... dishonest. I know that church isn't "a museum of saints", but I pray on everything and plead with God to be merciful because honestly, I feel too broken to give up certain parts or patterns within my life that I've come to use as a measure or means of progress and growth.

When I'd met with you guys, this relationship had just started and prior to it, I really had no intention on dating at all. But I had plugged in to Christians a little to ask how a Christian dating relationship is supposed to play out because it just doesn't make sense to me and while the advice I got wasn't all that helpful, I did try to do things differently this time, and I think for the most part, I did grow apart from a lot of the behaviors that used to be staples in my relationships, but some remain- some that aren't "biblical", even if I can't seem to find anywhere in the Bible to back that up properly.

Anyway, I know you're a busy guy so I'll stop there, but I know you've probably heard the same story a thousand times already and hearing "but I'm different" another time doesn't make it any different. I just wanted to be honest...

I am praying on it. I know church is my downfall in Christianity. I've hated church since before I even started school and no matter what the form, it still elicits a strong negative reaction out of me...

Anyhoooo, I should get going to work.

I didn't get a reply. And I know he's a busy guy (I even said it in the email and I mean what I say), but I can't help but feel the way I did when I was agnostic: church Christians love you within the walls of the church and the minute those walls are gone, so is the love. And it burns me up.

And over the past few months (nearly a year since I wrote that email), it's been accumulating in me.

If the love we experience in this world, both the giving and receiving, is meant to show us God, meant as a form of worship, how does this happen in Christian communities? How do so many of the people not know how to love?

And some might reply that they're just human, etc etc, but in my lifetime, if I was to add it all up, I have witnessed more utterly selfless examples of love through atheists and agnostics than I have with religious people of any faith. If we are all just human, why aren't the probabilities even all across the board?

Christianity, if not played right, is a sport of introversion. I have to make me better, I have to serve, I have to repent, I have to pray, I have to stop sinning, no wait, I don't have to stop sinning, I have to love and trust God more. It goes on and on and on and at the end of it, you have a person who is ONLY serving to be (or feel like?) a better person, not because he is a nobody who deserves nothing.

Get unengaged. It reminds me of the blog post I read written by a missionary a couple years ago in which he was absolutely elated that this guy who was cohabitating with his non-believing girlfriend dumped her (FINALLY!) and decided to pursue his faith more determinedly. Is that really a cause for elation? Doesn't anybody know what love is?

There's a passage everybody knows, right? The one everybody uses at their wedding:

1 Corintians 13, from the ESV:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Let's break it down, shall we?

1. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

What's he saying here about love? Nothing matters, not being supernaturally spiritual, not knowing everything, not being all-faithful, not being generous, not sacrificing yourself, if there is no love? Is that not what he's saying?

4-6. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

What is love? It is humble, human, selfless and true.

7. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

"Bear" goes two ways, I think. Love allows us to carry weight we wouldn't otherwise be able to carry but it also reveals all things. It has no secrets and hides nothing. And love also gives us hope. It keep us from growing cynical and bitter. Through everything, through all we go through both in our lifetime and as a species in general, love endures. I actually say that to people when I am asked for proof that miracles happen: the fact that we are still able to love when the world is so full of reasons not to (and has always been full of brutal reminders not to- this isn't a new thing), is a miracle. It really, really is. The fact that I am still able to love is a miracle. And on that miracle rests all of the hope I have for anything else in this lifetime and beyond.

8. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

It never ends. Humans will come and go. Knowledge will come and go. All things will come and go, but love? Love endures. Love never ceases. What does that say about our daily priorities? What is on top? What should be on top?

9 & 10. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.

Here's where we get into my interpretation, so bear with me if you know more than me. We only barely have a glimpse of the love of God. The sum of every bit of love we absorb and give in our lifetime is only a part of the perfect love we will come to know with God. Imagine that for a second. Imagine that if you spend your entire life loving and that is all you do, you will still end up with only a partial view of what love is.

11. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
12. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

This part, the ESV study Bible jumbles up for me. To me, the child is us in this lifetime, the man is the one who knows God. Now, as children, our view is obscured, we only see part of what it's all about, even if we're face to face with what we're supposed to see. As men, we will see it all and realize how small and naive and dim our perception really was.

And love is most important.

Now you take all that and you compare two versions of how it's played out in our lives.

First, through a dog.

A dog wakes up and is ecstatic that you are there. If you're upset, it tends to you. If you're happy, it feeds off your happiness and reflects it back to you. It lives to see you smile. It lives to see you make the most of every day. It adores you and forgives you, whatever your mood. It regards you through an unwavering childlike perspective, even as the years go by.

Don't you find it odd that you can train a dog from birth to death, teaching them full sentences and even teaching them to ask for what they want, expanding their capacities both physically and mentally until they reach the limits set by the degradation of their abilities due to old age and yet, no matter what we do, what we put these animals through, we can never seem to impart on them our humanly bitterness, cynicism, vengeance and selfishness?

I remember standing with my Boo in an airport waiting for a friend's plane which was hours delayed and these weary travelers got off the plane, and as soon as they saw us in the terminal, the overwhelming majority of the tired, defeated passengers smiled at my Boo. They smiled. It was a beautiful thing to be a part of.

But I'm also admittedly biased in that I believe that dogs are meant to teach us the love of God beyond the capacity of any human.

Every day with a dog is a new day, a fresh day, and everything is forgiven and love is strengthened.

Now let's look at the guy who dumped his non-believing girlfriend. What kind of ripples does that cause?

I know from the perspective of the woman, it will be hard to stave the bitterness, the cynicism, the lack of trust. Will she ever date a Christian again? Will she ever be a Christian? What does she learn about love and loyalty from this experience?

And the guy? Even if Christians (I won't agree with) believe it was not selfish of him to abandon her for his faith, you cannot deny it was selfish of him to leave her behind, was it not?

Get unengaged.

This man I am with is not a Christian (he does believe in God, however). He is also the kindest, most loving, most respectful, most honorable person I have ever met. He wakes up every day and loves me more. And I don't mean the type of thing where our love grows because we've been together for a while, I mean this guy actively grows his love for me. He pursues me and learns about me and asks questions. He encourages me and takes care of me. He pushes me to grow and tells me when I need to fix my junk. He doesn't let me stay the same.

This man embodies everything I know (and hope) to be true about love.

Get unengaged?

To me, that is a terribly unChristian statement.

I live with this man (in sin!) and sleep with this man (also in sin!) and tell this man I love him. What, to me, is the Christian thing to do in this situation?

Love him fully. Commit to him fully by honoring the vows we have already made. Marry him. Follow through with the love I have started such that it will not be unholy. Pursue him. Show him the love that I am capable of through Jesus, through God. Show him that tiny glimpse of God's love through me. Love him unconditionally and selflessly. Respect him and help him to grow into a stronger, more forgiving love.

And in doing so, we will both be an example the world around us that this miracle, this love of which we are not only still capable but also able to grow throughout our lives, is but an immeasurably infinitely small fraction of the love of God.

That, to me, is how this relationship plays out from my perspective as a Christian.

Am I wrong?