Old habits die hard...

Of course, after dissecting Genesis 29:15-35 as guided by Tim Keller's podcast, I had to read chapter 30.

I can't help but chuckle at how in verse 35 of chapter 29, Leah realizes that if she puts her focus on God instead of on her husband, this need to have children and be the perfect wife to please him dies, but a few verses later, she's having basically a battle of fertility with her sister again. And the first thing that came to mind when I read that was the whole "you can't lose your salvation" thing that the Protestants seem to bask in.

You might not lose your salvation once you had it, but how do you really know you ever have it?

If Tim Keller's interpretation of Gen 29 is accurate, I don't think Leah was lying or wrong when she thought she was devoted enough to God to stop seeking fulfillment in bearing children. I think she really meant it. But then times change, circumstances change and so on and she ended up back where she started. And even though the superficial reasoning was different, the root was the same. She was looking to be good enough by a standard outside God.

I like to think that over time, the reasons we turn from God, the things we look to to give us value become more and more profound and harder and harder to fully conquer. And the reason I like to think that is because if I'm right, then no behavior modification in the world will ever work, and not only that, but it will actually prevent us from getting to a point of metaphorical bushwhacking through what is really at the core of our being.

Just as when you stay on the main road all the time without deviating, focusing constantly on what's ahead and whatever bumps you're headed for in an effort to see them coming ahead of time to drive around them, you'll end up missing the scenery entirely, so is focusing on behavior rather than discovering the true nature of your heart.

And so if Leah means it when she puts her fourth baby in the hands of God and quickly finds herself back in the trap of idolatry (in this case a sort of idolatry of comparison), then we should probably expect similar cycles in our own lives. Like they say about getting over habits, you have to replace the habit with something. You can't just quit cold turkey. And if you replace your idolatry with God, then you probably stand a chance, but most of us can only hold onto God as a replacement for so long before we slip back into a habit in which we have more control- or more perceived control anyway.

I guess there's nothing we can do but do our best and learn from our falls, growing continuously, instead of spending our lives so actively trying to avoid everything. *shrugs*

I know, it's a crap ending to this post, but I've been sitting on it for two days now and couldn't think of any way to wrap it up. It just... ends. :D