Unentitled.

I've spent the past year learning about how Jesus sought out and forgave so many people who were considered unforgivable by the religious of that day. He even supposedly forgave Saul, who became Paul, who killed Christians for their Christianity (Acts 8,9). He even goes so far as to forgive those who mocked him as he hung on the cross, saying in Luke 23:34, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do."

He preached that the lost sheep were most important (Matthew 18:12-14). He preached that the ones who needed forgiveness the most would be most grateful for it (Luke 7:41-50). And He preached that we should love one another.

John 13:34:

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.
35 "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

And from what I know, He also preached that the church was the place to learn about His teachings and the love of God.

Right?

So why am I blogging about this?

Because I keep getting totally rejected by the church. And when it happens, I put my feelers out to all those who know me well, and I ask, "Is it me? Am I that offensive?" and my people, who I know with all my soul would rebuke me if they needed to, say no, it's not me.

I learn and I learn and when I feel slightly ready, I dip my toes into the churchy pool and every time, I'm told to get out because I have not been invited.

They'll preach the message of Jesus, they'll say they love everybody, and then they cast me out like I'm some kind of demon.

Recently, I got deleted from a church's online forum. Of course, the way I'll explain it in here is the way I perceive it which may or may not be the way they intended it at all. Anyway, they emailed me to say they were deleting all the posts I had made in response to a question about generosity, saying because I had responded a couple of times, the posts were too conversational and they felt they would deter other people from responding.... so they deleted them all.

I don't get it. Nobody was replying, and it was a good thinky question- How has Jesus been generous in your life?- so I figured I'd reply.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I really do. I have had some terrible things happen in my lifetime, and throughout them all, even when I didn't believe in anything at all, I made it through and became stronger in the process. Now that I look back, I see that my strength was a gift and some of the things that happened probably had been helped. So I posted some things that I was thankful for, one of which being that even if you don't believe your entire life and go so far as to hate Jesus, God and the church and spew blasphemy for years, you can still find the love, forgiveness and redemption Jesus brings. So maybe the first story I wrote was a bit intense, but I meant every word, and really, what's wrong with a little passion in gratitude? And then the thread died again, so I put in a more shallow one to offset the intensity of the first one and a couple of weeks later, he replied again, and I happened to have a similar story to his... And then they all got deleted.

As I said, they sent me an email to explain, but still, the rejection was harsh. It seems to happen every time I reach out to any sort of church community, and it kind of makes me resent the church. I guess any person's reaction to rejection is resentment and shutting down out of self-preservation.

[pause for a few days for reconsideration]

I wrote the above last week while at work, and I went home for lunch, still upset about being deleted. They were sincere, heartfelt stories from the core of my person and they were rejected by a Christian community. I was so ready to come back here and spew anger all over the Christians, but on my way home, I realized that it wasn't Christianity I was angry with. It was the people who sent me the email and deleted my posts- the people who lacked tact and an ability to interact properly via text on a page to a girl they only knew from stories and a few questions.

My stories were intense. I tend to be intense. And sometimes, when I tell my own stories, I myself wonder if they're true because of how many I have. To those who don't know me, I might not seem real, especially if their own stories are simple and their lives have been "privileged" compared to mine (which really, I count as privileged anyway). Some people have no stories. Some people are totally and utterly broken even though they really have no tangible reason to be. And those are the people who tend to be most threatened by my stories. In my experience, they're the first ones to disbelieve my stories. And the saddest part is that it comes from a place of jealousy. They don't realize it, but it really is a jealousy.

To have lived a life that leaves passionate, heartbreaking stories in its wake is to have suffered through it. The thought of somebody yearning for suffering is just absurd, but with suffering comes a spark that people who have no spark would do anything to get. With suffering comes experience and an appreciation for more. Without suffering, everything is taken for granted.

A lot of people do have stories. Great, terrible stories. But so many people keep them for themselves, either out of shyness or embarrassment. I, on the other hand, am an open book. If my story fits the context, I'll tell it, even if it has parts that make me vulnerable and should embarrass me. I don't embarrass easily, and I think vulnerability is a gift.

So, representatives of the church- a lot of churches, no matter how progressive they seem- might slap my feet out of the water, but they are not the church. Jesus is the church. And Jesus isn't a slapper. Jesus isn't about the cliques, the legalism and the exclusiveness. Jesus is about inclusiveness, and if a church rejects me, so be it, but I will not let that change my view of Jesus. I will not let that change my view of Christianity, which is following Christ.

I really could grab some sort of camera and make a low budget documentary about getting rejected by the church. My point of view, my intensity, my history, and my personality seem to clash with the church regardless of my relationship with God and Jesus. I wish the church would wise up and fix their priorities. I wish they'd realize that there is a very fine line between community and clique. There's nothing I clash with more than a clique. But at this point, as an in betweeny, I feel like talking about it in any way would just affirm the atheists', agnostics' and other non-believers' view of Christianity and I don't want to be responsible for any hateful, unjustified affirmations.

But being rejected really shakes a girl's faith to the core, I have to say. Rejection makes me want to reject in retaliation. But what if this is a test? Being rejected can either result in spiteful resentment, or forgiveness and compassion. There's usually a reason a person rejects another, beyond just surface annoyances. People get rejected because they shake things up. They make people insecure. They make people throw guards and barriers up. And that being the case, the rejector suddenly becomes the weaker of the two parties involved.

Therein lies the real test, I guess. In the midst of rejection, how do you acknowledge that you're on more solid footing than the person or people who wronged you?

It's very Jesusy if you think about it.

Anybody who rejects somebody to the point of being hurtful either must not realize what they're doing or lack empathy completely in that situation.

A Christian community that excludes a girl when she's still so stumbly about the relationship between God and the church has no idea how strong an action that is. They have no idea of the effect they have, the power they have over somebody's perception of the church.

But if they did?

I'd like to believe that they would be ashamed, repent and open their arms a little wider for the next person. I'd like to believe that they'd wish to become better Christians.

And so, in that spirit, I have to "forgive them for they know not what they do", but also give them the benefit of the doubt in their rejection as well... I have to assume they didn't intend to totally reject me...

Hence, I used the email address they posted where my posts used to be, and I emailed them one last story of generosity- the most intense one in my repertoire.

It felt kinda good- probably because it was totally selfish and rebellious, but hey, I'm not perfect either.