Fleeting spirituality...

Part of the reason I think I've had such a moving experience with Christianity and with studying it is that early on, I committed myself to it. I didn't commit myself to believing it, but I committed myself to learning it, and learning it meant opening my heart to it.

Learning anything about spirituality requires an opening of the soul. It just does. We can't crack open some textbook, read through it on a literal level and assume we understand it. Spirituality, by nature, has to stir the soul for us to begin to understand it.

If people are somehow moved to tears by teaching in the Bible, what is it that moves them? And if you set out to learn it, are you prepared to dive in to let it move you at your core?

If not, there's no point in reading it. Really. If you begin reading it with an eye roll, as I did in the very beginning, the message will not penetrate. If you begin reading it with prayer, even if you don't believe the prayer, then you've taken at least one step towards letting the words move you and letting the message change you.

"Please, God, if you exist, help me to see what it is you're trying to say, if it is you at all. If you do exist, help me to see you."

That's all it takes.

But that is a commitment statement. Asking God to show Himself to you and to help you see His message is committing to opening your heart to it. I don't believe that you can do that with all religions and forms of spirituality at the same time. You have to give your entire soul to one, let it move you, and once you've been moved, only then move on to another form of spirituality if you feel the need to continue to explore.

It does take a commitment. It's kind of like falling in love, in a way. You can't fall in love with somebody and progress into a deep, intimate love without deciding to participate in it. You can't be indifferent to somebody, learn about them on a purely superficial level and develop a profound love for them. It doesn't happen. Your soul has to be moved by their person. Something in you has to embrace them. You have to be willing and able to face the potential for deep, core love for it to become a reality. It involves a commitment.

That's not to say a commitment as in marriage or even relational loyalty. What I mean is you have to put your heart on the line. You have to commit to taking down the walls around your most breakable asset. Even if it's not all of them all at once, you're still accepting to make yourself more vulnerable than you are generally comfortable with.

That's how I believe you should approach spiritual growth.

My problem with trendy spirituality is it dabbles in a bunch of spiritual concepts and dogmas without ever requiring the person to fully participate. They end up getting barely enough of a soul stimulation to feel something different, but not enough to actually actively move the soul into significant change. Picking and choosing the most comfortable parts of any faith or spiritual doctrine deprives the soul of a true challenge, and that is what a soul craves most.

I have a lot of trouble with some of the Christian teachings (for example, the gay thing I've already discussed tons on this blog), but those things move me to growth. If I was reading the Bible literally only, I'd have shut it by now. But as part of my commitment to learning it, I've committed to doubting my doubts. I've committed to challenging the Bible and letting it challenge me rather than letting my conflicts and discomfort shut me down.

What is the benefit of that? Why bother keep trying to reconcile the Bible with what I believe to be right?

First, a lot of the stuff I've challenged the Bible with I have been the more wrong about. Like sex. One can't deny the desire for deep, intimate, soul-changing sex. And growing up in a society where sex wasn't a big deal, I used to laugh at the idea of waiting for marriage. But in reality, it was my view of the entire idea of marriage, love and intimacy that was messed up. My view of marriage was merely a partnership, a codependence whereby both parties were in it for their own benefit somehow. I never envisioned a marriage based on spiritual growth. I never envisioned a marriage where both partners lived in sacrifice for their own benefit and for the beauty and unity of marriage. I definitely never equated the intimacy of a committed relationship as worship, as being what God intended us to be. And while that view of marriage might possibly be just some fabrication of the church, what's detrimental about adopting it? What's the harm when the alternative is shallow and potentially dangerous to my person?

And second, if I happen to leave the challenge still believing I'm somehow right about whatever issue it is, my reasoning will have far more depth and thought behind it. Like with the gay thing. I've been forced to explore the reasoning behind the church's issue surrounding homosexuality profoundly in order to try to understand it. It's a work in progress though... :D My new massively intimidating ESV study Bible has a section in the back about homosexuality in the Bible. Reading that bit made me angry towards this particular version of the Bible, as well as toward the authors for perpetuating a view on homosexuality that is, in my view, not very Christian. While it did touch on the idea that Christians should love the gays, which I thought was a step in the right direction, that thought was not the predominant one in the section. The predominant ones, to me, were not based in the Bible nearly as much as they were rooted in common religious doctrine. One aspect that was touched on was how homosexual couples who adopt are depriving children of the chance to have a mother and a father. Nevermind that 50% or more of Christian marriages end in divorce, thereby depriving all those kids of a two parent home. Obviously, the ideal is to have both a paternal and maternal influence in a child's life. But sometimes, the next best thing is not the most Biblical thing, whether it be two gay parents raising a kid versus one struggling single parent, or as an unrelated example, women pastors leading the church in the absence of a suitable male pastor.

Sometimes, we have to make do with what our less than ideal world offers. We ate the apple, broke the world, and now, it's as though we're refusing responsibility for it. We'd rather fail at the ideal repeatedly than come up with solutions that actually work. That's not to say we should give up on God's idea for marriage, for the church and for us. All I'm saying is what's wrong with finding God in our less than ideal world? What's wrong with seeing God in our failures? What's wrong with cultivating a godly atmosphere out of an ungodly situation?

What is worse: a child growing up with a single parent who has nothing but disdain for God and the Bible, or a child growing up with a married gay couple who do believe and are consequently forced to reckon with God every single day?

We're human. We're broken. We're all broken. The only way we can be fixed is if we ourselves ask God for forgiveness and help with our brokenness. We can pray for others, but to frequently and publicly denounce homosexuality to a gay person as my ESV study Bible suggests is just turning them farther away from God. They know who they are. They know what the Bible says. They know. Stop focusing on their sexuality and start focusing on Jesus and on redemption.

Why would you forgive me for slipping and having a meaningless one night stand and not forgive a person for falling deeply in love with somebody of the same gender? Mine would be a far more disgusting and Godless act. But that's what the gay vs Christianity argument comes down to- judging one sin above another. That's where my problem lies. We're all sinners. Equally.

Anyway, I got sidetracked. My point was in challenging the Bible, I've developed a stronger foundation both for my own Christianity and my relationship with Jesus, from which I can try to help other agnostics and atheists, who are a product of the same society I am, figure out the answers to their questions and open them up for spiritual exploration a little bit more.

I will never answer a theological or moral question with "You just have to have faith." I promise. Well, unless I'm being sarcastic. :D You don't have to have blind faith (I think that's actually unChristian), but you do have to commit to finding the answer. And if you're really open, commit to the idea that if this Christianity thing is really real, God will prove you wrong.

My goal of this post, however, is just to bring up the idea that you have to go all in in exploring your spirituality. If you dip your toes into a hundred different pools, you still haven't immersed yourself and you don't really know what it's all about. Dip your toes in and then pick one and dive in. If it's the wrong pool, you will at least have core reasons why it's the wrong pool.

Like they say about Christianity- don't hate Christianity because of Christians or churches or pastors or small, secondary details of the Bible. Hate it because you hate Jesus and what He stood for. Hate it because He healed people and taught people to love one another. Hate it because He points out our flaws and selfishness and makes us strive to be better and more in community with those around us. Hate it because He makes us realize everything we have is a gift, that our world is a temporary, beautiful and painful experience for our eternal soul. Hate it because He died on the cross even though He had done nothing wrong. Hate it because while you were standing there yelling, "Crucify Him!" He had already forgiven you. Hate it because you know Him. But without knowing what it's all about, without truly diving into Christianity, you really won't know Jesus at all, nor how He can change you.

Really.

I know that from experience. All of the basic things Christians used to say to me:
"Proclaim Jesus as your savior and you'll be saved."
"Jesus is God."
"God is love."
"God forgives."
"Jesus loves you."
etc, were all meaningless to me until I got into it. I mean, you get a sort of superficial, literal grasp of it, but you don't get the soul moving aspect that is underneath all of those statements and really, nobody can explain it to you. Not even the best pastor in the world can explain it to you. It's just something you have to feel, and nobody can push you to feel it either. I believe God has to choose you. God has to show you Himself in a way that makes you understand through the particular way you need to be taught. God is a heart thing. Heart things are the most important things and are also the most incredibly personal things.

So dive in. Whether it's Christianity or yoga or whatever, start. Grow. Let it move you, let it break you, let it make you angry, let it build you and let it change you.

And work on it. Is your soul really worth only a few minutes of your time once in a long while? Or is it worth everything? What is the point of living if your soul isn't being fed?

Once you dive in, you'll realize that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, whatever your health level, whatever your fatigue level, there is always something spiritual you can be doing. It might be reading, writing, praying, meditating, sharing, singing, appreciating, or even just breathing. Spend some time in your soul.

Commit to it.