August 23rd, 2009: My Baptism.

I meant to post about my baptism in more detail, but things happened and I didn't want to blog with the wrong state of mind, so I put it off repeatedly, until now, when I should be asleep.

I blogged in detail about what happened on my other blog (private blog), so instead of repeating all that, I'll post what I wrote on my teeny tiny laptop in my tent the evening after my baptism.

.......

Alone in the campground on a hot summer Sunday night... Really, really alone. There aren't any other campers in my area. My campground is on a corner of a loop, and my tent is flanked by a pond on one side and forest on the other, with a path leading down to Lake Jordan. [Or at least, I think it is...]

I got baptized today. It was my grandmother's birthday, and my favorite church was having a big barbecue baptism thingy and considering where John the Baptist did his baptizing, I figured if there was ever a completion to this perfect multidimensional symbol, it was that I'd get dunked in the Jordan also, albeit the lake version.

The sun is barely setting out the window of my tent and my doggies are a little angry at me for cutting the day short after a short yet long swim. Short because of the amount of time they spent in the car today [and yesterday...], long because it actually was long and they were both tired, or so I thought. We got back up from the lake and they started running around my car like puppies. I like it when my eight year olds are puppies... You know, interspersed between long periods of perfect behavior.

I went to the church this morning, after the 14 hour car ride landed me in Raleigh at around 2 or 3 AM and after having slept a few hours in the car with the hot doggies. I saw the pastor whom I had asked on twitter, "Can far away people come too?" to which he replied, "of course,"” and so I introduced myself and he was shocked.

"Well, I said I'd come..."
"Lots of people say lots of things..."

[There are lots of birds and things in the trees above me throwing stuff at my tent....]

Still in shock, he told me there was somebody I had to talk to about it, but said person was busy, so he said to wait till later, till after the sermon.

Music was awesome, sermon was awesome, and standing next to a guy so passionately worshiping was awesome also. One of these days, I'm going to have to risk looking ridiculous and start to let go a little in worship.

Anyway, after the sermon, I waited for a guy to finish his greetingly duties to basically have a "chat" [interrogation] as to why I thought I was ready for baptism. I don't know how long later, but a long, long while later, we got booted out of the office and moved into a classroom thingy to finish up. It was a hard conversation- challenging because of the content, but also because after nearly no sleep and no meal [and no tea] coupled with my mounting nerves, I was a little dysfunctional [probably still am].

Baptism is the death and resurrection of Jesus. As you go under, you die and as you come up, you're alive again. It's also the symbol of your repentance of sin, acknowledging that while Adam brought sin onto us, Jesus was the sacrifice to redeem it. Until we acknowledge that, we're liable to the wrathy part, and when we do, we're entitled to the forgivey part.

The number of people who showed up... Oh, my God. lol So, so many people were there. It was crazy. I actually stepped out of my anti-social box and introduced myself to people I wasn't sure were the people I knew already from the internet. A handful took care of me all day. They were awesome.

As the food distributed, I couldn't eat. No way. It might have been the lack of sleep, or it might have been the emotions, or maybe just the fear, but whatever it was, it was strongly messing me up.

Too late to back out now, I thought, knowing if I did, my reasons could have been ridiculous.

I don't remember the questions...
Do you repent of your sins?
Do you believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus?
Will you live your life as a reflection of that?

I think those were them. I remember my answers:
As much as I am able to.
Yes.
I hope so.

It was time... The crowd was all gathered, the pastor [one of two, Will] gave an explanation and a prayer and asked if anybody wanted to say some words. One girl did, and told her story, and I thought about sharing mine, but I was too messy, teetering between nervousness and tears.

If I had, I'd have said this:

"I just wanted to say thank you to all the V21 staff and members who have helped me over the past year and a half. I deliberately disburse myself among a few people so as to not worry about overwhelming anybody in particular with my questions and comments and misunderstandings and lack of technique for learning how to learn the Bible. You all were so patient with me, and took the time to explain things and not only that but explain how you got the explanations. You also took the time out to counsel me, to guide me and to show me what it meant to be a child of God.

I was mostly agnostic with a little bit of atheist mixed in and God chose me, and when I was good and ready, beat me with a sledgehammer to make Himself known to me, and without you guys, without my far away team of spiritual guides, I might not have seen the God in the beating I had received. I might have given up before I really started.

So that's why I'm here today, that's why I drove 14 hours with my two dogs when it was the most fiscally illogical thing to do: if there was any time to be baptized, it was now [a theology pastor from another church discussed it with me and that's what was decided because waiting until I was as all in as I expected to be (see the baptism post further down this page somewhere, called "On Baptism") was going to be an exercise of futility because the more you know Jesus, the more broken and unworthy you feel of His redemption and forgiveness], and between getting baptized with a bunch of strangers locally just to have the personal symbol between God and I versus sharing the moment with the dozen or so people from V21 without whom I probably would have lost my faith ages and ages ago if I had ever found it at all, there was no doubt that you deserved to see the far, far away fruits of your labor, albeit maybe the relatively accidental or indirect ones. You, who strive for community and to live out the Gospel, deserve to share in the small victory that is my salvation. It took God and a team to get me into this water, and to have you all here to witness it means a lot to me, on top of the symbolism that this particular date holds for me and the immeasurable symbolism of the baptism itself. So that's why I'm here. I'm here because baptism probably wouldn't even be on the table if it weren't for you guys and the Holy Spirit working within you all. So thanks."

But there was no way I'd get all that out without weeping my eyeballs out, and/or going on and on with the TMI.

Anyway, after a quick chat, we headed down to the beach where the masses of people were waiting. I'd given my camera to my interrogator and told him to click until his finger went numb, and so he did, capturing my somber mood as I walked down to the beach. It was all I could do not to cry. I was so overwhelmed by the sheer number of people, all so supportive and cheering everybody on. It was crazy. Somehow, I don't think any baptism at home would have reached that scale of magnitude nor of passion. It was really hard not to cry.

I waited, watching each person getting dunked trying to figure out if watching made it more or less scary. Finally, it was my turn next. The non-prin-dunking pastor [still Will] stood beside me on the beach absolutely gleaming and reassured me like crazy. He was so undoubtedly sure that this was a great thing that I started to believe it. :D

When it was my turn, I made my way out slowly, as fast as I could against the strong current. At one point, I decided to jog because I just wasn't getting anywhere. It was funny... For me [always diffusing the nerves with humor]. The pastor, Taylor, told me to cross my arms and I said no. :D I told him I was holding my nose with one hand and was going to hold onto him for dear life with the other because I had drowning issues and trust issues. He said that was fine and laughed a little and I answered the questions and he put me under.

The water was warm. The way it washed over me so smoothly and the way it all happened in one fluid motion... Symbol or not, when I got out, I felt a lot lighter, even though my hands were visibly shaking. Maybe it was the whole confronting fears thing, or maybe it was the way I put my comfort on the line to proclaim Jesus and actually followed through... Whatever it was, as I walked out of the water wiping my eyes, I didn't see anybody even though there were hundreds cheering me on. [Whether it was hundreds or not, it felt like it.] As I got closer to the shore, I finally came back to the living and my guy in the orange shirt who was taking the pictures for me was crouched on the beach. I hadn't even seen him shooting me the whole time. I was in such a far off place. I'm so grateful for the pictures though because I get to see what I missed, frame by frame.

I'll never forget the feelings and emotions involved, but I don't remember a thing about anything around me, really. :D It was me, the two pastors, the water and God.

When I got out, the guy in the orange shirt hugged me and gave me my camera. My hands were visibly shaking, but I wasn't nervous or scared anymore, just totally overwhelmed. And so, I was invited to a couple afterparties, but I felt I had to decline and be alone with my babies and Jesus tonight. [And apparently thousands upon thousands of really loud animals....] I just needed Jesus to help me figure out what happened today and what this all means.

Repent of my sins, I agreed before the dunking. But what does that mean?

Before I became a Christian, I wasn't all that bad. I didn't drink, I didn't party, I tried to be as selfless as I could be, and I gave generously of my time, resources and effort. I was Jesusier than most but without the Jesus. But there is one thing. The sex before marriage thing. On the one hand, after learning about the intertwining of souls and such, I do regret not waiting till marriage. On the other hand, my brain has been so firmly wired towards sex not being a big deal. What the result is is that when I'm immersed in God, I'm 100% certain that the next guy who has access to me will be the guy who has gone all in for eternity, but then a charming, sweet, flattering guy comes along and the conversation quickly becomes far, far less innocent than I would have allowed ten minutes prior while I was still immersed in God.

There is no doubt that when I step out of my new [chosen] Christian boundaries, I'm breaking my bond with God temporarily [from my end, of course]. There's no doubt. I can't do both at the same time, and that alone says something about how godly the behavior is.

But what am I supposed to do? Cut myself off from the opposite sex completely? Some people would say yes, especially here down south, apparently. Down here, if your left arm sins, you cut it off completely. But that doesn't work for me. I can't say that because things with men develop into things they shouldn't so quickly, I should stay away from guys forever. Where is the growth in that? Where is the accountability in my actions? How is that not running away? I know what I have to do and if I'm too weak to do it, then I have to grow. In order to grow and let go of hard-wired or innate feelings and perceptions, I have to pray that Jesus might change my heart.

So maybe that's the repentance part. Maybe it's not being sinless so much as turning to Jesus in moments of weakness. But how accountable are we? Jesus tells the adulteress woman who had been brought to Him to get stoned to go in peace. Peace, not regret. But if a girl like me, who thinks things through endlessly, knowingly sins, knowingly lets go and puts any will in the closet temporarily (emphasis on the "knowing"), what then? If I deliberately go against the word of God and what God has asked of me, He'll forgive me, but will I really be a Christian? Will I really be a Christian if I say, "I know that's what you want for me, Jesus, and I know your reasons are infinitely more powerful than mine, but I'm going to go this way instead"?

The other thing I realized this weekend is the godly man I crave probably doesn't exist. After being surrounded by a multitude of Christians yesterday, I realized that Christian or not, they all have exactly the same baggage and doubts and fears and even the selfishness and lack of self-awareness that non-believers have. So does it really make a difference if the guy I chose is not a Christian? If he's open to learning and discussing without tiring [hehe] and he's a good person whose priorities are straight, then I'm not sure.

Ideally though, I'd still want a godly man. :D

Please, God, invent one? :D

After the crowd disbursed, I wandered over to Taylor, the pastor who dunked me, to thank him. "I just wanted to say thanks."

"My pleasure," he answered with a smile.
"I gotta say though. I'm a little disappointed that I still have to wear glasses. I was hopin'."

:D

.......

And the pics... (I think they all click bigger.)

The barbecue (Eric, this is the closest I have to a pic of you. :D It's like a "Where's Eric?" game. :D)


The path.



The descent.



The encouragement.



The walk.



The trek. :D



The negotiation.





The questions.





The grip [his].



The grip [mine].



Death.






Life.






After I got my camera back, I realized I had left it in black and white, so I took a couple of the guy after me to keep the colors of the day.



And that is the absolute best way to get baptized.