Why me? Why now? Why this soul? Why this body? Why this place? Why this time? What is all this for?

In traffic, I thought of a question I'd read in the comments of a blog (and also probably asked at some point):
If God is real and wants us to believe in him, why doesn't he just show himself?

And I wondered what God might reply.

Jesus might say, "I was right there. I healed you. I've showed you miracle after miracle and still you don't believe. Even my own brother, who walked alongside me, did not believe. What else do you expect me to do?"

But God? While he might say something like, "I created mountains for you to stand in awe of me. I created the atmosphere and caused the sun to rise and set through it in a beautiful expression of color every day to blow you away in glory of me. I created the sea to stir your soul into a longing of eternity with me. I created love and beauty for you to know me. I created justice so you might hear my heart. I created the universe and arranged everything just so such that Earth can have warmth and life. And finally, I breathed air into your soul to cause you to exist while always being a part of me as my child. I sent my Son to die to show you me and to bring you to me because I love you and want you to be with me. I did all that to show you who I am and still you don't see. What else do you expect me to do?" I also somehow picture him using examples that are so profoundly ingrained into us that we don't even realize they're God.

If God is the truth and science is the truth, then we might be able to explain each side by using the other. We can explain scientific phenomenon with God, and we can explain this tiny part of God's universe with science. The fact is, if we require constants for survival, then eventually, we will be able to figure out what all those constants are. One day, we expect to have gradually become so advanced in our scientific research that we'll get deeper and deeper into our reasoning of the universe, hopefully leaving us feeling satiated enough with answers that we stop asking the real questions.

While science can figure out all the natural constants and distract us from the deep-rooted, unanswered bothers of our soul, what does it do for our heart?

If you think about it, it's kind of like marrying somebody based on the facts about them. It's marrying somebody and giving your life to a person who looks perfect on paper. Isn't believing in only science just that? Isn't it saying, "We exist because of this list of facts," while we know our heart says otherwise?

As an agnostic, my heart did have questions and I didn't have any answers and I was ok with that. I thought God was for people who needed reasons so badly that they made some up. But what is so weak about believing in something so huge? What is so weak about believing in something so difficult to reason away? Or about believing this isn't all for nothing? Or even that life doesn't revolve around the self, the immediate and the temporary?

I've already blogged a while ago about how as an agnostic, I thought believing was the easy way out. It is for some people. But for agnostics and atheists, it might be the hardest thing you'll ever do. While you might get answers to some of the why questions, you also pick up all this responsibility and at the same time, this powerlessness. It answers the questions in a way that both satisfies the heart and shatters it at the same time.

Science is far, far less confrontational to deal with. Why? Is it because it gives us control over our existence? Or is it because it doesn't provoke our soul the way God does?

And I'm not talking about the moving stories we hear sometimes that are science-related. I'm talking about at the end of a regular day when you stare at your ceiling knowing all the scientific things you've already collected regarding what life is about, do you really feel as though your soul has been transformed by that knowledge? Does that knowledge fulfill you? Does knowing we evolved from random strings of random amino acids answer the deep questions of your heart as to why you are here?

That's the thing- God is a heart thing. And judging by the world we've created for ourselves, heart things don't sit well with us, do they?

Instead of waiting for God to become a science, why not get uncomfortable? Why not explore the things that you feel are impossible? Why not challenge your soul and seek out the answers you'd be otherwise ok not knowing?

Why not?

What else is life for?