Please don't punish yourself where Christ has not punished you. Why would you do that? Why would you go, "Oh, she's a virgin I can't"- no. No. All things new. That guy is dead, he was nailed to the cross of Jesus Christ. All things are new. All things are new. Yes, you're wrong. You're wrong. There's grace for you.
That answer hit me hard for a few reasons.
First, there's this idea in the back of my head that since I've already had sex, since I've already basically lived the life of a married person only without the commitment, since I've already joined souls with people who are not my husband, the damage has been done and therefore, if I slip up again, it's not such a big deal.
Second, after years of abuse and trauma- even though Matt Chandler took issue with the word "deserve", I'll use it anyway- I feel I don't deserve what God wants for me. I feel I don't deserve the husband who loves me intimately and on a soul level. I feel I am not worth that. I'm not good enough for God's plan for my life. And by "good enough" I don't mean in deeds and whatnot, I mean the [poor] quality of my person. I am not adequate, and therefore, to subject some poor innocent boy to my brokenness for an eternity just seems... well, there's no boy who would subject himself to that much pain and suffering. I am far too broken.
Third, I had pretty well resigned myself to always being the more broken person within any couple in which I might find myself. And I hate that. I hate that I will always have more stories of suffering, of brutality, of pain than anybody I might date. I hate that. I'm using the word hate here about that. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the one that makes people say, "I feel bad because all that stuff happened to you and I had it easy." I don't want to be that person, especially not to the person I marry, if I ever do get married. And the fact that I will always end up that person means I just can't get married.
Fourth, being that I live up here in Atheistland, what are the odds that I will find somebody godly and gospel-driven to date, let alone marry? I think I know one Christian guy and he's in a passionate relationship. And even he denies his Christianity when confronted. He's a youth pastor, who was heading up a music program for a church, but when asked, he tells people he leads this music youth group. He takes the Jesus totally out of it to make it politically correct. And to our mutual friends, he's the fundy. What are the chances that I will find a real Christian man to marry up here? Like, zero. So all that means is if I wait until I marry, I am not likely to have sex ever again. And that, for a girl who grew up in this culture, where sex is more of a staple than milk, is unfathomable.
But those four things leave out one important point that Matt Chandler nailed in his reply: I have been redeemed.
The brokenness that is my past, the brokenness that is my person, the broken things that have happened to me, are all redeemed.
First, I might have taken for granted what God intended for me with sex, but that doesn't mean it can't be redeemed and I can't experience the intimacy that God set up for me.
Second, I am a child of God. I might not deserve anything at all, but God loves me personally and completely. I am no more nor no less deserving than any other person. I am in need of God's grace and mercy, just like everybody else. But I have value and wholeness as a child of God.
Third, I am not the most broken person in any relationship because I have been redeemed. Nobody, after the lashings and beatings and hanging on the cross and ultimately death, would say Jesus is the most broken in any company. Maybe if He hadn't resurrected, we would have something to argue, but that's not the case. He was made whole again by the righteousness of God. I died and came alive again in Christ when I was baptized and I probably will do so over and over again, every time I need to be redeemed.
And fourth, where is my trust? It's obviously in sex as an idol or if not that, something, anything, other than God. If marriage is what God wants for my life He will open my eyes to it. He will set me up for it and guide me into it. But only if I trust. I have to trust. I have to let go of what I feel will satisfy my soul and trust that what God wants for me is far more than anything I can create for myself. I have to let go of the pleasures of this world, the temporary satisfaction, self-worth and value that sex represents for me and trust that God's intention for it is much greater and better for my soul.
A life with [unmarried] sex is all I've ever known, I tell myself. But a life without God was all I ever knew also and God changed that too.
I've compartmentalized the redemption in my life along with the focus on idolatry. I've acknowledged that Jesus redeemed all the things I'm ok with facing head on, but the things I still look to for value, the things I haven't yet given up and refuse to face, I have not yet allowed Jesus to enter into. And as long as I keep doing that, keep compartmentalizing everything and hiding from the stuff I just can't let go of, I'll keep falling down, keep crushing my own life and I won't let Jesus redeem it all the way only He can redeem it and I won't let Jesus change my heart in the way only He can change it.
I have to trust that being a child of God gives me more value than any sort of false value that flattery, manipulative flirtation, a successful hunt and ultimately sex might bring with its brokenness, superficiality and temporary satisfaction.
Faith without trust makes a mockery of everything Jesus died for. Faith is a privilege. It's a privilege that I don't want to lose because I stubbornly and deliberately choose a path apart from God or because of something so ridiculous as to make sex into a golden calf from which I can't loosen my grip.
I am a child of God. I have to have faith that that's more than enough and all that I need.
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