On innate darkness...

2:19 and the battery on my craptop is nearly dead, so this has to be short.

Today, I listened to a sermon in which Mark Driscoll said something along the lines of there is no way we can be born good because we're born of corrupt seed. I won't quote it because I haven't checked the wording exactly.

The problem that so many people here, including my former self, have with religion, Catholicism in particular, is that people are evil and sin all the time. It's a problem because we think we're good people. I mean, we're better than that guy over there, right? *points to a guy littering* It's also a problem because we don't think we're sinners either.

What's a sinner? A sinner, to a non-believer (in my experience as one), is somebody who doesn't abide by a strict set of rules, a list of do's and don'ts. All the things we enjoy are on said list, and so religion becomes this thing of deprivation. Its goal is to control people and take away all of their freedoms. The end result is they pretend to be happy because their imaginary friend (Jesus) is "there" for them.

We believe this and then we go out in the world and struggle constantly to retain any shred of faith in humanity until we get home and collapse onto the sofa, defeated. We turn on the tv and watch actors pretend to be good people conquering the bad people, and somehow, we go to bed feeling lighter. The good guy wins in the movies. In real life, maybe not, but as long as we hold onto the hope that the good guy wins, either by manipulating ourselves with delusions or by believing in things like Karma, then we're ok. Then we're not the only person in the world who cares.

But I think deep down, we all know people aren't all that great. We really, really want to believe they are and we have a few of our favorites, but those of us who are more cynical see the betrayal coming. It has to come. Eventually, maybe, but it will come regardless. We always get hurt by those we love. We always get broken by those we sacrifice the most for. We spend our lives rebuilding ourselves after being broken and hurt over and over and over again. We patch up the scars, paint over the memories, pick up our bags and pretend to move on.

What if we really are from corrupt seed? Even if Adam is a metaphor, and the metaphorical Adam ate of the fruit when God told him not to, and by doing so, chose himself over God and alienated himself from God, the metaphor is not all that far fetched. Even if Genesis was written a few thousand years ago or so, we choose ourselves over God every day. We choose independence over submission every minute of every day. We are wired for it. We are wired to only look out for number one, sometimes even if we have a family. We hurt each other because we're too busy protecting ourselves and our own interests to bother to empathize before we act, speak or do. Our first consideration is ourselves, our comfort, our enjoyment, and our benefit. And if you should deviate from this mold, you catch people off guard.

I often ask people how they are doing out completely of the blue. I ask, they answer something generic, like, "I'm doing ok. You?" and if I prod a little more by asking, "Are you happy? How are things these days? Are you really alright?" the reaction turns to defensiveness. "Why do you ask? Did somebody say something?" There has to be some sort of ulterior motive. There has to be a reason other than love itself. We can't just care with no strings attached anymore.

I say "anymore" as though we used to. But we never did. Our idealistic hindsight might make us believe that at some point in our life, caring was the norm. And yet, we never tend to feel that way in the moment, in any moment, as it happens.

What if we are born of corrupt seed? What if we are born bad and have to fight constantly to be good people? What if it's against our nature to be caring, sacrificial and serving?

Honestly, that's the world I live in. I don't know it any other way. One day, for whatever reason, I decided I didn't want to be a terrible person. I decided that there are so many broken and lonely and needy people who are just completely alone and that was just not right. I decided that if people say volunteering makes you feel good, why not live that kind of life? A kind of life wherein when you are needed, you go. The kind of life where when you are asked for help, you do whatever it is, regardless of what it costs you and regardless of the effort, time and energy it requires of you.

And frankly, I've been abused a ton in the process. I've been sucked dry to the point of nearly losing every last ounce of faith in humanity I had left. I've been betrayed so badly simply because I was generous with my love.

But that's human nature, right? Taking what you need and then taking some more just because you can.

Yes, I'm about as cynical as it gets. But you know, there was a study done fairly recently that showed that anorexics, bulemics and people suffering from depression had a more accurate self image and image of the world than those who were "normal". The media interpreted the results as showing that in order to maintain a "normal", "healthy" lifestyle, people need a certain level of delusion. They need a little bit of false self-esteem and a slight rose-colored fog to settle in over the world.

But if an atheist proclaims to be enlightened, more so than any religious person, then how can they possibly argue that people are born good? How can they look at a two year old punch its parent in the face out of nowhere and say we are born without malice?

My aunt knew somebody who adopted a baby, and at a family party, this person and the baby were there. The baby had a feeding tube, and me being young and curious, I asked what it was for and I remember it so clearly. The baby had been really badly neglected and decided to commit suicide. It just stopped eating. That was its coping mechanism. And so, it needed a feeding tube in order to survive. And I remember putting that whole idea away in the back of my mind for later, when I was strong enough to look at it.

We all do that. We all die in some way when we don't get what we need. Whether it's losing our idealism, losing our faith in humanity or losing our spirit, we all lose something that kills us a little bit.

A lot of people lose God. A lot of people lose Him before they even know Him at all. It's just easier that way. It's easier to team up with our fellow humans and say, "What a rotten world we live in," when those same humans are the cause of so much of this rottenness. It's far easier to blame God than it is to look at ourselves.

Why is that? We can easily point out the rapists and murderers and molesters and say they're evil and they contribute to this world being so horrible, but do we ever look at ourselves? Do we ever wonder how many of our habits and gestures cause a negative ripple effect in the world?

If we look at them, then we have no control over this situation. We believe few people ruin it for the masses. But what if we ruin it for the masses? What if our impression on the world causes a cascade effect of darkness?

When I was betrayed, without a doubt it was horrible for me. But I live my life fairly openly, and without realizing it, I led a whole bunch of people to betrayal too. Granted, they were witnessing rather than experiencing it first hand, but to watch somebody get so broken broke them a little bit. The betrayal could have stopped with me, but it didn't. I transmitted it to others and affected their perception of the world. Their world is a little bit darker after knowing this kind of person exists and this kind of thing can happen and I introduced that into their lives.

That's not to say I should have stayed silent and kept everything to myself. That's a path straight towards self-destruction. It's just to point out the ripple effect. Our outlook on the world changes the people we share it with.

If by nature, being born of corruptible seed, we emit terrible things innately, then maybe we do need rules, if only to make us realize how hard it is to follow them.

Jesus said love your enemies. Love those who are the hardest to love. And you know, I can write out a list of those who are the hardest to love in my life right now, and I can say, "But for the grace of God will I be saved because I can't. I choose to stay angry, resentful and bitter towards these people because I am just not strong enough to love those who have been so terrible to me."

I'm not. It's in my nature to hold a spiteful grudge against those who have abused me, abused my trust and abused my generosity. It's not in my nature to love those who have scarred my soul.

How can we say people are generally good? How can we say most people have good intentions? We ourselves fail at that.

My intentions are good. My intentions are as good as I can make them. My intentions are good as long as I trust that the people to whom I direct my attention have good intentions.

That post I wrote last weekend and then deleted was the truth. It was the series of events leading up to the worst betrayal of my life. And I wrote it with mixed intentions. I'm terrified that somebody who might be sweet and loving might get brutalized and broken. With that in mind, my intentions were good. But the part of me that is still angry wants to make sure my betrayer doesn't get to have somebody else sacrifice their entire life for him because he doesn't deserve it. With that in mind, my intentions are vengeful. Even if my good intentions far outweigh the bad simply because I feel them a lot more strongly in this case (I pray for her even though she was a very significant part of the worst pain of my life), the bad intentions can't be denied.

When we are hurt, we retaliate. We always do. We react. We might not always react in revenge or anger. Sometimes we react in self-destruction and self-hatred. Sometimes we react externally and others internally, but whatever the defense mechanisms are, they are not meant to cause positive ripples in the universe.

Last week, as part of my job, I had to partake in terrible events and when I left work that particular day when everything went down, I drove in the opposite direction of home and even though I can barely afford to eat these days, I bought my sister-in-law a soy mochaccino from a really awesome cafe near her work and I drove it over to her. Somehow, I had to balance out the ripples a little bit. Somehow, even cynical, broken, busted up me knew that that day, the energy in the world was just way, way, way too dark. I had to do something, however minor, just to balance it out.

While it did make her smile, it didn't change what happened earlier that day. We can't balance it out, just like we can't depend on Karma to balance it out either. We can't fix what we break because we're broken. We can't repair in the world that which is broken in ourselves too.

And that's what sin is really about. That's why we need God to send His Son to right our wrongs. That's why we need somebody who is not broken and who knows us better than we know ourselves to fix what we broke.

Without Him, we can't. Without Him, we will always be delusional about the state of our hearts and continue to break those around us for our own gain and be ok with it. Without Him, we spread ripples of darkness while telling ourselves we are good. Without Him, we are nothing but good acts to make up for the world's darkness.

With Him, we are the light of the world.