Hateful Christians?

(In an ideal world, that'd be an oxymoron.)

What do we call ourselves?

We humans so like categories. We're so afraid of uncertainty that we strive for any sort of label both for ourselves and for those around us such that we all might be in neat and tidy little boxes where predictability reigns and cynicism overwhelms discreetly.

As I've blogged before, the minute I cracked open the Bible, my coworkers and friends labeled me. Suddenly, I was a gay hating, abortion clinic protesting, irrational person. It's far easier to categorize me that way than to wonder if maybe this girl who overanalyzes and overthinks to death might have fallen in love with it for a rational, reasonable reason.

If atheism and agnosticism are based on science and reason, how is it possible for an agnostic biologist to read the Bible and its outrageous stories and not only enjoy it as a potential work of fiction, but pursue it as a strong possibility of truth?

And with all of the Christians we know being so broken and hypocritical, how could she seek the truth in theirs, of all people?

So I was talking to one of my very, very few Christian friends, a guy I've known for at least ten years, but also haven't seen in probably just as long, and the subject hit Christianity. "Are you a Christian?" I asked. I know he is, but I meant, "Do you tell people openly that you're a Christian?"

He is strongest in his faith of all the people I know personally. He lives it. He's been all over the world, ministering and spreading the Gospel. And his soul is just amazing. He is lovable in the most intense and pure way. He is by far the most Christian in the real sense of the word and the true meaning behind it. He's a beautiful, generous and soft soul.

And he hesitated.

We talked about it, and how his calling as a youth pastor in New York scared him a little, simply because of the category he was getting boxed into. "I'm going into ministry- I couldn't believe it," he said and repeated, "I'm a pastor," in a sort of shy disbelief.

I'm not an open Christian. Not at all. I hide it. "I'm a Christian" has such a terrible stigma attached to it. I don't want to be one of those... But as my friend and I kept talking, we both realized that in not saying we were Christians, in not being openly Christian and not attributing our goodness to Jesus, we're not helping change the tarnished view of what it means to be Christian.

But what if we blow it? What if we proclaim to be Christian and totally mess up? What if we contribute to the bad image society has of Christianity? Or what if we just don't give enough of ourselves?

Then, I guess, if we're humble, we can point out that we're flawed but also show the world around us what it is to repent, and show them the power of God's grace, and our continual growth in Christ, towards Christ.

I heard a sermon today about how we should be generous beyond our level of comfort because even at that extent, it's the bare minimum to worship God in a meaningful and powerful way considering the gifts we've been given, and I have to say that the whole concept is pretty terrifying. My biggest flaw (for today anyway :D) is that I'm lazy. The thought of giving my spare money is easy, even if it makes my life tougher on a daily basis, but the thought of devoting my time and energy is harder for me. If I'm needed, I'll serve wherever I'm needed with all of my capacity, but to actively seek out a need to fulfill is another story.

My laziness makes it hard for me to feel as though I come even remotely close to my potential as a Christian and as an example of a good Christian to others around me. On any other day, you could easily substitute "laziness" with something else... Anything else- judgment, cynicism, anger, spite- just general brokenness, really. All of my flaws make me a terrible example of what it means to be a Christian.

But I do try. I try to get better every day. I try to change my attitude and make choices in the moment that reflect Jesus more clearly and more obviously. I try to substitute love and support where my judgment, anger, spite and cynicism tend to be. I try to grow in generosity. I try to forgive. I try to change for the better, let go of the things I idolize and the things I spend my time on that don't make a difference and don't impact the kingdom of God in a great way. I try to learn, and absorb as much as I can. But all that while maintaining my freedom from religion and religiosity. I do it because I love it and (as hard as it is for me to openly say,) because I love Jesus. I do it to become a more loving person so that people can experience it too.

I try.

I guess that's what I believe ultimately sets me apart from the nominal Christians who taint the word: I don't rest on my Christianity. I try. I really hope I never let go of that, but honestly, I doubt I will because I'm not sure I'll ever feel like I have it down. I doubt I will ever feel entitled or even worthy. And I know for sure I'll never have it all figured out.

But what's the point? Why bother trying to be an example of what it is to follow Jesus?

Ever since I started learning about Christianity, I realized that every word and every action from a Christian is a mission. Even the simplest of discussions are ministry. That's not to say we should only talk about Jesusy things, but that when our behavior goes against Jesus' teachings, we're unintentionally turning people away from Jesus. When we inadvertently mock God and Jesus and the Bible, without realizing, we're driving people further away from Jesus. We're appealing to their doubts. We're validating their fears and stereotypes of religion and of Christians. We're affecting their personal relationship with God in a negative way.

That's why we have to strive to be an example of a follower of Jesus in everything we do. We have to show people, believers and non, the Gospel. We have to lift Jesus up so He can be known, and it's not through preaching or Bible thumping but through small every day acts of kindness, support and love. Basically, we'll only successfully show people what Jesus is all about through following Jesus every day.

Nobody who has learned about Jesus can possibly say He was a bad guy. But what if we took that idea a step further and showed how He can drastically change our lives? What if we let Jesus change our heart and guide us in such a way that our lives completely reflect Him? What kind of world would we live in?

And if all the Christians did that, if they all were true followers of Jesus in every possible sense, would you hesitate to declare yourself among them?