I can't say 'Jesus' anymore.

I can't do it alone. I've been learning and reading and listening for months now, and everywhere I turn, I'm faced with conflict. Everything I say is religious even when it has nothing to do with religion. I've been categorized by the people closest to me, and every word is taken as a statement of religion. And honestly, my faith is not strong enough to stay standing after all the pushing.

I said it myself, every word and every action from a Christian is a mission statement. It's a statement as a missionary. But I don't think even I understood the implications of that. Every single word out of my mouth (or out of my fingers in the case of IMs and blog posts) is taken with a religious undertone that I don't even put there.

I'm a communicator. That's an overly long word to say I'm chatty. I am. Very. But to feel stifled simply because I opened a book a year ago is wearing me out.

Somebody told me today that they would never date anybody religious. So I started talking to a different friend about it and I said, "I wouldn't date a religious person either. But I do want a godly man." That's when the misunderstandings started.

My intention:
godly: supremely good

Simple as that. Can you be a godly man without believing in God? For sure. You can have a great heart without feeling the love of God. Believing in God is not a prerequisite for being a good person, just as people of "faith" might not be good people.

Religion aside for a half a second, I want a guy with a good heart. I want a guy who is generous with his mind, body and spirit. I want a guy who is supremely good. I want a guy so good that I can admire him and strive to be his equal in that aspect. God has nothing to do with that part of what I'm seeking, except He does...

The only way to misunderstand "godly" is to not know who God is. Saying I want a man "like God", or saying I want a man who is "supremely good" should be interchangeable. But they aren't.

Why not?

Because some people hate God. Because some people dissociate God from good. And really, religious or not, that should not happen. Ever. When I use the word "godly", it should not provoke a negative reaction.

But it does.

Would I have used the word "godly" before learning about Christianity? Never. I didn't know what it meant back then. Now, it fits perfectly. A godly man has his priorities straight. In his list of priorities, the only self that ends up there is his spiritual self. The only self he puts first is that which makes him a whole person, a better person and a person who works hard to spread the love, forgiveness and generosity that has been bestowed upon him, either by God or by fortune or whatever else he attributes it to. A godly man is about reciprocation rather than selfishness. A godly man is honorable and has only the purest of intentions. A godly man is outside himself, his constant needs, desires and personal achievements.

A godly man is like* God.

If God is everything good, and a non-believer is supremely good, then whether he believes it or not, God is working within him. The good is spreading through this person, even if they don't believe the source might be God. Therefore, a godly man does not, in my opinion, have to be a believer.

So many sermons I've listened to have mentioned the fact that Christians should not marry non-believers. When I was a non-believer dating a Christian, I challenged that belief fervently. I was so offended by it because nobody in the history of this man ever challenged him to believe more than I did. He had to teach me and in watching me grow through my passion for learning about it, he was challenged by his own lack of faith. Through my inexperience, I helped him be a better Christian.

But now that I'm on the other side, would I date a non-Christian?

It's a hard question. I would like to give non-Christians the same opportunity I wanted, but the problem is, they keep shutting me down. They keep telling me not to talk about religion in any way. And as a chatty person who overanalyzes everything, I just can't do that. I need to talk about it. I need to be able to have the communication pathways open for whatever subject I want to discuss, even if it's loaded or hard or depressing or unpleasant. I need to be able to speak my mind in an environment that's tolerant.

When I started dating the Christian, I was closed-minded to religion. Completely. But I still wanted to learn what he saw in it, even if I had no intention of adopting any of it. It was such a fundamental part of his past and his person that to not touch the subject was to not know him. I was open to knowing him.

That's what makes getting shut down so frustrating. They're not open to knowing me. So why bother? Why bother learn about my past, learn about my habits and likes and dislikes? Why bother diving into my person when you don't want to get to the core? Why bother pursue me when you have no respect for what's important to me?

I suppose that having a problem with religion is fine. But this is me. This is my perception of religion. If you don't like or rather don't tolerate or even allow me to express my perception of the basic principles of living, how can you even see a potential for being with me?

Can a person put aside their faith, keep it private and introverted in order to maintain a pleasant interfaith relationship? For sure. But then they were never truly Christian to begin with. They have no passion for it. They have no love of it. They aren't moved and changed by it every single day.

If you're passionate about mountains, chances are one day you'll bring your significant other to the mountains just to experience it with them. To feel their love and your passion for them merge with the emotions elicited by the awesomeness of the mountains is really amazing. Substitute mountains for anything a person might be very passionate about and nobody can deny there's power there. There's life there.

So why would a person passionate about God, passionate about Jesus, passionate about love and forgiveness and community and all the rest that is involved with being a passionate and learning Christian put it aside?

Why should they have to? Because it makes people uncomfortable?

I won't stop talking about God just because you have issues with religion and the Bible. I won't. I won't force you to believe what I believe- never. But when I talk about God, I do expect you to reciprocate. I do expect you to not only share your beliefs openly, but also challenge my beliefs with knowledge, wisdom and courage [as I will yours if you are comfortable enough in them]. Above all else, if we do talk about God and our individual beliefs, I do expect you to be open enough to listen. Because this is me. This is important to me. This is my passion at the moment, and who knows how long this moment will last, but in the meantime, it really is important to me.

And really, when the only challenges I face are questioned intentions and motives, it breaks my spirit. You know who I am. Why is it when it comes to religion, you suddenly assume I'm somebody else? You know my intentions as your friend. Why would I turn on you over a word? Why would you assume I lack that significant respect? It breaks my spirit. Your defense mechanisms about religion stab me in the heart and you don't even realize.

I'm just me. I'm always me. Whether I'm talking about animal welfare, biology, cars, the weather or religion, I'm always me. And if you question my intentions about any of it, you probably don't know me as well as you think you do, and you're probably not open to changing your mind.

See? I know. I said, "changing your mind" and some of you reading it who question my intentions probably jumped to the conclusion that I meant, "[eventually] changing your mind about religion". I meant me. And really, if you did read this and did jump to that conclusion, I hope it was a wake up call of sorts as to how easily provoked your defenses are.

Anyway, all that to say, the jabs at my soul take the fight out of me. It's all fine and good trying to write and speak about what I'm learning in hopes that other people might learn or just be challenged to share their perception, but sometimes, a girl needs a little spiritual guidance too. Sometimes a girl needs a little bit of a faith pick-me-up, you know?

A bandaid for the broken spirit.

Because I just can't keep fighting the constant confrontation alone on ground that's so shaky to begin with.


* "like" being used as "closer to God's ways than most" rather than directly comparing the man with God because no matter how good he is, he can't come close.