Sex or something like it.

I suppose I should warn that I'm an open book and this post might get a little explicit? Just so you know. *shrug*

Since dating the Christian guy, my views on sex have changed significantly. I was raised in an environment and society where abstinence wasn't even on the radar. It just wasn't an option. We'd hear about it in a sort of condescending way in the media sometimes, like when the pope with try to push it or when a Republican president tried to push our neighbors to the south to abstain instead of handing out condoms in schools. We'd all laugh at the idea and see it as old school and ridiculous.

"Times have changed. Get with it."

When I was in high school, they changed the laws such that at fourteen, girls could get free abortions without their parents finding out. And recently, they changed the laws so that pharmacists could distribute the morning after pill, so girls could get it without ever seeing a doctor.

At ten, my nearly-always absent mom told me to go on the pill, "just in case". Of course, I didn't because I had no idea what she was talking about.

By fifteen, I was well aware of all things relating to sex, even if, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I wasn't actually having sex. I have no idea why not. My dad traveled a ton for work, leaving my brothers and I home alone most of the time. We'd have parties that lasted days. I was constantly surrounded by a ton of boys and I probably wasn't sober very often either. And at that time, I certainly didn't have any sort of religious affiliations to even consider either.

I was fine with being single all through high school. I had absolutely no issue with it, probably because I felt entirely unlovable, but that's a different story for a different day. :D

At nineteen, I met a boy who I thought cared about me a great deal. He was passionate and seemed to be spiritual, but not religious, and he strongly encouraged me to travel and things. He helped me get over my fears around it, and as a result, I went to live in Ireland for a while. While I was there, he wrote me letters every week. When I got back, he was leaving for the summer and was throwing a party. I won't get into all of the details, but this guy I considered a great friend and trusted as much as my person at the time could trust assaulted me in a terrible way. I managed to get away though, but still, that event changed a lot of my perception of myself and of sex.

After a brief recovery, I developed the mindset that I was worthless. If one of my best friends could throw me away just to get sex out of me, then maybe that's all I was good for. Maybe that was the only value my person had in this world.

So I gave it up. I lost my virginity on a one night stand and it started a trend in my life. Sex was meaningless except for the perceived power it brought me. Somehow, I ended up in a long term relationship, the details I won't get into right now either, :D, but that kind of put me on hold for six years, which in spite of the relationship being fairly abusive, was probably a good thing.

I got out of the relationship and met the Christian guy. In the beginning, he judged me pretty harshly for sleeping with people I didn't care about, even though he'd slept with the same number of people as I had and hadn't been in a long term relationship either.

Being with him taught me a lot about what sex meant, even if coming from him, the words were awesomely hypocritical. When I slept with him, I already loved him. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to spend my life with him. For the first time in my entire life, the sex meant something to me. While he was teaching me that I had value, that the intimacy of sex was something not to be thrown around, I was living it all in a way I never even knew existed. I really did give up my soul. I loved him with all of my being.

It turned out that he didn't love me and was just using me, and while his words meant the world to me and changed me, they were just words that he'd learned growing up in the south, without ever understanding the meaning of them.

And that's where I am now. I'm free to live whichever sexual life I choose. But which do I choose?

Having experienced it both ways- the meaningless kind and the "one flesh" kind- obviously I prefer the more profound and meaningful of the two. But I've also grown cynical towards it. How can a girl be sure? How can a girl be intimate in a godly way if there is a possibility that the other person might be dragging her along, unknowingly headed for the betrayal to end all betrayals? It's far easier to have the meaningless kind and put all emotion and God things aside. There's no immediate, tangible risk to the soul that way.

Obviously, what God wants for me is to redeem my past and for me to marry a godly man. But after all I've been through, being used and abused and assaulted, how do I convince myself I'm entitled to that? I just can't. I don't see myself as worthy of such devotion and loyalty. I'm not good enough for that. I can't fathom abstaining from sex because I'm waiting for some Prince Charming on a white horse to suddenly appear and love and cherish me the way God intended. I'm far, far too cynical for that.

On the other hand, I am worthy to God. I'm a child of God. God loves me and loves my body and my soul just the way I am. And I have to protect this body He created for me. I've been battered and bruised and scarred and sick and broken, but I'm still ok. God made sure of it. And the least I can do is appreciate it. The least I can do is stop throwing my body around and letting completely unworthy men use me. That's the least I can do. I can acknowledge my value in the eyes of God. I am more valuable than meaningless sex. My person deserves a better kind of love than that.

And so, for now, the sexual life I choose is a non-issue. I'm going to appreciate the freedom, the redemption and the love that God is giving me. I'm going to learn the value that is within me and love my body the way it should be loved. I'm going to grow with God and learn to never let myself be used and abused again.

And if, one day, He chooses to send a godly man my way, I'll be far more prepared.