A Birthday Pilgrimage.

Conversation I had today, June 28th, 2009:

Friend A: Why'd you go to North Carolina all of a sudden?
me: I wanted to go to a church I listen to online, but the pastor was leaving for vacation, so it was sort of now or never.
[the conversation got interrupted for a few hours and then somehow it resumed, but beginning with other topics]
me: [...] so then I half-jokingly asked the guy if he'd become a Christian for me knowing he hated religion and-
Friend A: Ok, you know it's really weird to hear you talk about religion.
me: Yeah, I know.
Friend A: Earlier, you said you went down there for a church and I hung up the phone and was wondering, "Who is this girl? Who was I talking to? I don't know this person."

Religion and I so did not get along. Like any other religion-bashing Quebecer, I was openly disdainful of it all while being unknowingly completely ignorant of any of it.

My birthday was last Sunday. At the end of the day, I lay in my tent in a state park just outside Raleigh, North Carolina and with wifi being unexpectedly scarce, I decided just to write out my blog post and copy and paste it later. It's closer in format to the way I write on my regular (private) blog (i.e. just unplanned thoughts written as they occur), but since it's religiony, I'll post it here instead. Here's what I wrote that night:


Today was my birthday. Every year on my birthday, I have a panic attack. I don't know why or how it started, but it's become tradition and as a result, I dread my birthday. Last year, I was in Texas on my birthday and I saw the symphony with the boy I loved. When it was over, I thought that I might actually make it to midnight without a panic attack. As we drove home, a bus stop with an led board displayed the date and time and the second I saw, “Saturday, June 21, 2008” the panic set in terribly. I made him take me home and spent the rest of the evening fetal in the bathroom while he worried on the other side of the door.

In spite of the inevitable panic attack occurring anyway, last year's birthday was pretty memorable. Usually, to break up the monotony of my birthday, concerts end up on my birthday list of things to do. A lot of bands start playing in the early summer and as a result, there's usually somebody to see, especially when my birthday falls on a weekend. But the problem with doing memorable things on a birthday is that the following year, you end up having to top those memories so you don't feel like your life is starting to go downhill somehow. So what to do this year? I'm broke, single, and bored- not a great combination for an awesome birthday.

I decided a few weeks ago that since my birthday fell on a Sunday, I wanted to go to North Carolina to spend it in my favorite church in spite of the money (or lack thereof) issue. Maybe it's meant to be, I thought. But then I started dragging my feet. I thought if I coupled Jean Batiste day (June 24th) with Canada Day (July 1st), it'd give me a Wednesday to Wednesday vacation while only using four vacation days. Nine days for the price of four would make it more worthwhile to drive the fourteen hours since I'd have more time to hang out down in the hot, even if waiting meant I'd miss the sermon on my birthday. Meanwhile, I discovered that Sam Roberts was playing a free show on the 20th and they were making snow for the show too. Snow on my birthday? Good enough, I decided, and my lazy side won out.

Before settling everything, I emailed my favorite pastor's assistant and asked if the pastor would be preaching the next weekend, on the 28th. I was told he wasn't going to be and would be gone for the three subsequent Sundays also. “So what about this weekend?” I asked, somewhat hesitantly, somewhat leaving it up to God to decide for me.

Well, it turned out he would be, so it was now or never.

I chose now.

I told the pastoral assistant I was coming and he told me to email him when I got there to tell him which service I'd be attending so he and his wife could sit with me. I replied that it might not be a good idea because I'd probably do something terrible like fall down or something and cause a scene of "massively dramatic proportions". He tried to convince me that I'd be fine, but it didn't really take. I'd been in a few churches before and I had yet to make it out without a little humiliation and some glares of condescending irritation.

Wednesday afternoon, I got the email about the pastor preaching, and the plan was to leave Friday night. Not only was figuring out the logistics of it all stressful, but I had to find a doggy daycare for my babies that was open on a Sunday and would take two strange dogs without an assessment and without the bordetella vaccine (kennel cough). I don't give it. I think it's a bigger waste of time than the flu shot.

Anyway, I left it up to God. If this is really what God wanted, He would take all the things that are far out of my control and make them work. And He did. Jemma and Boo were accepted at the daycare after my vet faxed over their shot records. I was so relieved, I didn't even bother to ask how much it cost. God did his part and I wasn't about to get petty. (When I went to pick up my dogs later today, they ended up not charging me at all... I insisted on paying and in the end, they charged me half price. I have no idea why they didn't want to charge me anything. I guess my dogs are that awesome...?)

Friday night, I was so disorganized. Upon discovering devastating family-related news that broke my heart, I was trying to get things done, but my repression turned into clumsiness and lack of efficiency. By three in the morning, I was still not packed yet and I had at least two more unfriendly bruises. My patience was wearing so thin. I couldn't do it. I took a break to just breathe, and somehow, by four, I was asleep.

My alarm went off at six and I snoozed it till seven, my anxiety growing as the deadline to get there was fast approaching. I had to get to Raleigh, a fourteen hour drive from Montreal, by nine on Sunday to drop the dogs off at the doggy daycare if all this was going to work.

I finally got on the road at 8AM, which put my ETA at 10PM not including any stops or detours due to getting lost (which I do... often).

“Please, God, give me the strength and the energy to do this,” I prayed over and over.

By hour 14, I was still more than three hundred kilometers away from Raleigh. Virginia kicked my ass. Near the middle of the night Saturday night, I ended up on the wrong highway and it was a narrow highway that wound up and over mountains. It was horrible. I had to keep stopping to let Boo out because he was just too anxious. It took forever.

“Please, God, tell me when I've had too much. Tell me when to stop before I become a danger,” I prayed.

By the time we were an hour out, I had pretty well given up. I passed a hotel and that particular chain has a dog friendly hotel in Raleigh, so I turned around and pulled in and figured I'd just do the last hour of driving in the morning.

“How you doin' tonight?”
“I'm ok.”
“You sure? You don't look ok.”
[well, no, I've been driving forever and had bits of frustrated crying interspersed between bouts of getting hopelessly lost. I probably look as terrible as I feel. I sidestepped the question entirely, knowing if I told the truth, I'd probably cry, and so I asked about the dogs...]

“No ma'am, we only allow service dogs.”

Back into the car.

After getting lost two more times, I finally was on some semblance of the right road. Renewed by disappointment and anger and the desire to sleep somewhere comfortable, my energy jumped back up again, even though I was nearing hour eighteen on the road.

Finally, as I approached Raleigh, I saw a Days Inn. I knew for sure I'd seen them on the dog friendly list. I told my doggies there was a sharp turn coming and pulled in abruptly.

“Do you allow dogs?”
“Yeah. There's a $35 fee though.”
“That's fine.”

It was past 3AM. He could have whipped out any number and it would have been fine.

Of course, I'd regret it later. :D

I got into my sweltering room and tried not to touch anything. The carpets were stained and everything was just kind of icky. I'm a snob. I discovered the extent of my snobbery last night. I removed the excessive bed coverings, laid out my sleeping bag and pillow and the bed was surprisingly comfortable. “I love this pillow,” I thought. “It puts me to sleep so fast.”

The next morning came so quickly. I dragged myself out of bed, straightened my hopelessly curly hair (ridiculously humid here) and headed to the doggy daycare, leaving my pillow behind (I managed to get it back later though.. lol).

The guy at doggy daycare seemed to fall in love with my doggies right away. He was chatty, super friendly, but I was in a hurry to get lost on my way to church. He insisted on printing out directions for me, which ended up being “go straight”. lol

I hit the road with Boo barking so sadly in my wake, and prayed the whole time to make it there before eleven. I had twenty minutes for a drive that google maps said took sixteen minutes.

I got there with ten minutes to spare. And I didn't get lost...

I asked the parking attendant, whom I recognized from twitter, if I had to pay for the pay parking. He said no... Bonus.

I went in, got greeted four times before getting near the sanctuary, and then I asked a fifth greeter to point out the pastoral assistant for me. While I recognized the guy outside when he was alone, I have a complete inability to find anybody in a crowd (even people I have known since I was little). She pointed him out, and I went to say hi, somehow expecting him to know what I looked like simply because I knew what he looked like. :D I introduced myself and he introduced his wife and we sat down... So far so good.

The band played and five people raised one or both hands at varying times during the different songs both at the beginning of the service and when the band played again at the end. The pastoral assistant beside me did a few times, and four others closer to the front row. When the first guy put his hand up, the deep agnostic roots in me mixed with my judgmental personality (yes, I'm terribly judgmental. I know and I'm trying to work on it...) and instantly associated the gesture to a cult-like mentality. I couldn't help it. My first reaction was that he was brainwashed. But then this guy on the edge of the second row a few rows directly in front of me did it and he had a red and silver watch on. Something in my head changed when I saw that red watch.

Brainwashed people don't wear red watches. Brainwashed people aren't different. They don't stand out. They blend. They don't have a personality. When this guy raised up his red watch, suddenly, he was normal. Suddenly, he became a regular person with a profound love of God and a complete lack of inhibitions in expressing it. Every time I looked at that red watch, my eyes would well up. I'd immediately look at either the floor or the nearly empty cup of water in my hands (which I'd already spilled most of all over myself and the floor beside me- hey, it was better than falling down at least... and nobody glared!). “Think of something else... Think of something else...” I thought as I tried to subliminally suck the tear juices back in before anybody noticed. I'd think I had it all under control, lift my eyes up and there it was again- the red watch.

I'm not openly Christian. I still hide it for the most part. I know how it seems to the agnostics and atheists around me. I know. I was one of them. And being on the other side of that argument is easily among the scariest things I've ever had to do. Part of me, I discovered today is agnostic still- not in beliefs but in the judgment of Christians. Even after reading the Bible for a while, loving studying it and loving the sermons, I still judge Christians for being Christians. By the end of the service, however, I realized why. On top of feeling the typical sort of shame for being associated with a crowd with so much historical baggage, there was also an underlying jealousy thing.

To feel God and to feel the love of God so passionately and so freely.... I just don't see myself getting to that point. Being in a room with people who were so expressive and open about their worship of God moved me, literally, to tears. So much so, that after I picked up the doggies and we drove around for a while, I ended up back there, just in time for the six o'clock service. It was hot, and I really didn't want to leave the dogs in the car, but God made it so I got the spot right in front of the door and there was a greeter out front who promised to keep an eye on them for me and tell me if they were suffering too much. I just wanted to see the beginning worship bits again. I wanted to well up secretly again, feel the intensity of it and try to figure it out a little better. I wanted to know what it was that I was feeling that made me well up so easily and uncontrollably.

And I did well up again. Over and over and over until I just couldn't look up at all anymore. There was only one guy in this service who lifted his hand up, but after a while, I couldn't even look over to his general direction without welling up entirely. God set me free when a pastor got up to say the lead pastor had left early to catch a plane and they'd just be showing the video of the service I had been to earlier. I fled out the side doors where the greeter who was watching my dogs told me they were fine outside. Sure enough, in spite of the heat, the car was still a little cool from all the driving around with the a/c on. I gave them water, and we drove away, my eyes still welled up. I couldn't believe I was driving away from this church for the last time. It was unbearably heartbreaking.

/end of what I wrote on my birthday.

So how did I spend my birthday this year? I spent it getting brutalized-- first by the drive, and then spiritually. When I left the church, my soul felt beat up in the most amazing and beautiful way. I thought maybe I'd gotten overly emotional because of the fatigue from driving so long and getting so little sleep. But even today, exactly a week later, after rereading that bit, I still feel the same way. I'd been hiding my Christianity for so long that it just became all I could do, and all of a sudden, I was thrown into a crowd of people expressing their Christianity so loudly and so humbly all at the same time. It really was overwhelming, regardless of my emotional state at the time.

The remainder of my trip took me to the ocean and then over to the mountains, where I made a fellow blogger in Boone's home my base for a few days. On my last day there, I got brave and ventured into the Christian store on the edge of town. It was huge and I'd passed it on the way to a hike the day before. I walked in and was overwhelmed, unbelievably shy and totally out of my element. I'd thought about getting a Jesus fish for my car, but up here, aside from ebay, I have no idea where a person acquires one of those, and I thought this store would be my only chance.

I found the rack of car thingies, one of which was a Darwin fish getting eaten by a "truth" fish, which made me want to run out of that store as fast as I could, but I stayed strong, trying to find a small Jesus fish... I actually found a discreet sun visor one that I liked, but the usual big silver fish that people stick to their car trunk was staring me down. "It's now or never," I thought, remembering the ebay thing.

So I got both.

Honestly, as I approached the cash, it somehow felt worse than buying condoms. Far more humiliating. The lady at the cash (ironically) asked me if I was part of their loyalty program. I told her I was from Canada and she replied, "Really? What made you stop in here?" I answered that we don't have Christian stores back home and she said, "Well, it's awesome that you dropped in. Thanks for stopping by."

I don't remember them ever saying that for condoms...

Anyway, I walked a little less shyly back to my car and immediately opened up the sun visor fish and stuck it up on my sun visor. "Yey!"

And then I looked over at the silver car fish that seemed to get bigger and bigger every time I looked at it.

"Maybe later."

As I went to back up, a really hot guy walked into the store all confidently. Maybe being Christian isn't some sort of disease, I thought.

Maybe.

But I still wasn't brave enough for the big fish.

I packed up the car, said a long gbye to my gracious hosts (they were so awesome) and started the long eighteen hour drive home while listening to Matt Chandler's series on Luke.

I was on #14, "Blessings and woes", where he was talking about how when liberalism hit, the Christians in the states withdrew out of the schools, the city and basically out of mainstream society and built their own institutions, and as a result, there was a sort of subculture or side culture of passionate fundamentalists who would be responsible for basically keeping religion alive, even if only barely in some areas. Somewhere between minutes thirty and thirty-two of the sermon, he says, "If it was not for them (the fundamentalists), you would not be here. If it was not for that retreat, then we would be France, England, Canada- we'd be those other parts of the world where the church is dead."

Dead?

I must have listened to that part three times just to make sure I'd gotten it right.

Dead is a strong word. I mean, sure, if you look around here or talk to anybody, you'll find out pretty quickly that the church is dead, but to hear it from a very influential pastor preaching to a few thousand people in Dallas, Texas pokes at a girl's heart a little bit.

I looked over at that silver car fish and suddenly, it seemed a little smaller and a little more important.

I won't lie- I haven't stuck it on yet. But I'm getting there. Even if I have a long way to go, I'm a lot closer than I was before this trip.

After all the soul beatings you might have read about in this blog so far, spending a little less than a week in North Carolina- the people I met, the amazing scenery and just the experience in general- was the healing kind of soul beating. :D

By far, the most memorable and important birthday so far.

Next year, I'm so screwed.

But I mean, really, how can God not be here?

On being thankful...

On the days where my budget fails the most, I lie in bed, thankful for everything I have. I may not be able to buy everything I want, but so far, even in the worst times, I've always gotten what I need. I'm grateful.

In the winter, I may not always be able to afford to heat more than a room or two, but the fact remains, I'm sheltered and warm regardless. In the summer, I may not have air conditioning, but so far, God has kept a steady breeze passing through my home on even the most stagnant of hot days.

It's all about perspective.

Even though Romans and I have a love/hate relationship (as described in a previous post, probably called "love and hate", lol), tonight, while I was trying to find a particular passage about how everything we have here on earth is borrowed from God, I stumbled upon this and it seemed to fit perfectly, even if it wasn't at all what I intended to write about...

Romans Ch 1:

20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse,
21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.
22 Professing to be wise, they became fools,
23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man--and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.
24 Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves,
25 who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

We do worship the creature or the created so much. We devote to it our lives and our happiness depends on it, whether it's money, materials, relationships, whatever. We all do it. And it's idolatry. But that's not what this post is about. This post is about being thankful.

How is it when we idolize something, we stop appreciating it? We start to feel entitled, as though the idol we're striving for has to be the reward for our striving, rather than being a gift from God. I suppose if it's an idol, God is already out of the equation and out of our relationship with whatever we're striving to achieve.

That's the problem with "earning": it's relative and it's something of which we feel in control.

If you work your way up the ladder and end up making enough to be able to afford luxuries most of the world doesn't know exist, did you earn it all? And what about the people subjected to slave labor for pennies a day? Did they earn those? Are you entitled to more privilege because you were born in a country where money is abundant?

I can't say I've earned what I have. My job is not taxing on my person for the most part, and the benefits from it far outweigh my output. In the society I live in, however, because I work and because of my background to a certain extent, I am entitled to have what I have. It is expected.

But that's where I diverge, or at least I hope I do. I don't see what I have as expected. I don't see any of it as mine. I have a car and a house, both of which are still owned in majority by my creditor, but they are legally mine. One tornado, however, and they're both gone. One "act of God" is all it takes to take everything I have away.

When you're little and you act up, your parents can take away your toys. Why? Because they're not yours. You don't have absolute authority over them. The boundaries of what is yours and what isn't between you and your parents are non-existent. Nothing is yours and everything is yours. It can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.

But somehow, when we start to have our own money, we lose the temporary nature of our belongings. I have a house which, from the perspective of a human, is a permanent thing. But how permanent is it?

Permanent relative to my lifetime?

Psalm 144:
4 Man is like a breath;
His days are like a passing shadow.

On the world scale, my house is pretty insignificant. On a God scale, my house is intangibly meaningless. What then draws people to value material things so highly? If a house is meaningless and it's likely to be among the biggest financial achievements we make in our western lifetime, what of the small things?

On a God scale, it's all nothing. But to us, it's everything. Without truly knowing God, all we have is literally all we have. It makes sense that we'd resort to worshiping it and relying on it to bring us happiness- it's tangible to us. But the problem is that by worshiping it, we're not only abandoning God, but we're rejecting the link between God and the gifts with which we're blessed.

By feeling entitled, we take everything for granted and by taking everything for granted, we fail to appreciate the unfathomable scope of what God has given us. Everything, from the huge things (existence and being) to the little things (heat in the wintertime and shade in the summertime), is a gift from God. And it's not a once in a lifetime deal. Every minute of every day, we're being given a multitude of awesome and vastly unappreciated blessings.

Right now, I have a roof over my head. I have relatively new clothes on and a full belly. I'm healthy for the most part. My dogs are healthy and their bellies are full too. I have an abundance of stuff, including a computer to blog with. But aside from all the obvious things, the wind is also calm and peaceful. I'm dry and warm. My body is not stressed by elements or trauma. I'm safe.

And those are just a few things I can think of while whipping this post out on a whim. Imagine how many I have no idea I'm taking for granted? Even if I sat down for an entire day listing everything, I wouldn't have the faintest idea of the extent to which I've been blessed.

God knows all the things He's done and does for me. And He keeps doing them, providing them, providing for me, even if I fail to recognize the significance of it all.

He keeps giving and I keep taking. Nothing I could ever give back could compensate.

Psalm 147:
7 Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
Sing praises on the harp to our God,
8 Who covers the heavens with clouds,
Who prepares rain for the earth,
Who makes grass to grow on the mountains.
9 He gives to the beast its food,
And to the young ravens that cry.
10 He does not delight in the strength of the horse;
He takes no pleasure in the legs of a man.
11 The LORD takes pleasure in those who fear Him,
In those who hope in His mercy.

The least we can do is be thankful and appreciative. The least we can to is try to realize how blessed we are, right down to the tiniest of details.

God said "Let there be light," and billions of years later, I can see my black dogs outside in the daytime. :D

You know what I mean?

That's pretty awesome.

Believing in God and the Bible answers all of your questions.

One thing that bothers me about the outspoken atheism I encounter is the declaration some less-than-educated atheists spew that the Bible is a "stupid book". The Bible may be a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them. As a book, without the religion bits, I think it's actually quite remarkable. Granted, I'm not the most well-read girly around, but still, for a book written when it was, whichever book of the Bible you choose, it really is quite a profound set of words. The imagery, the flow, all of it is pretty crazy when you consider the level of education the authors must have had. Ok, so maybe the translators might help a little, but still, the basic premise remains.

I just finished the chapter called, "You can't take the Bible literally," in Tim Keller's The Reason for God (yeah, I know, I'm totally rusty on reference structure and all that- quotes? Italics? Meh. You know what I mean anyway, right?). What I took from it is that people who have a hard time believing or seeing eye to eye with some parts of the Bible should first decide if they believe the fundamentals- that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and resurrected on the third day- before diving into the smaller details. He also suggests that some of the stuff we have a hard time with because we don't take it in the context with which it was intended. Instead of asking, "how does this passage pertain to me now?" we should be asking, "how was this passage intended to be received by its original audience?"

In the book, Keller uses an example of slavery, but the passage with which I see eye to eye least is one my cousin pointed out to me from 1 Corinthians Ch 14:

34 Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. 35 And if they want to learn something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for women to speak in church.

How is a fairly feminist girl supposed to handle that?

If I look at the rest, from verse 26 to 40, where Paul is talking about "order in the church" some parts make sense, like "Let all things be done for edification," in the second half of verse 26, while other parts completely do not:

30 But if anything is revealed to another who sits by, let the first keep silent.

Are they talking about not gossiping? Either way, the context without help from a person well-versed in theology doesn't help me decipher what's going on with the silent women in the church. But if I don't agree with the basic premise of Christianity, this passage alone might cause me to close my Bible for good and give up on Christianity, especially if I had just stepped into it. Since I do, however, my mindset is different.

If the Bible is the Word of God, and it's the truth and is infallible, then as a Christian, I shouldn't be satisfied until either I figure it out on my own or it is explained to me by a fellow Christian, because there must be an explanation that satisfies my soul. If a Christian truly trusts the Bible, they won't brush inconsistencies under the rug, nor will they give up when their own interpretation and explanation disappoints them. If you're not satisfied, you haven't gone deep enough into the meaning of whatever passage or book it is that upsets or offends you.

People I know who were raised catholic tend to hold on to the notion that to believe, you can't question the Bible. You can't study it with a scientific or rational mind because you'll immediately find fault with it and possibly lose your faith entirely as a result.

But how are we not supposed to question? Even with Jesus standing right there in the flesh, performing miracle after miracle, his disciples questioned everything. How are we, who are so removed from that original situation, not supposed to question anything?

In Mark Driscoll's talk on idolatry at Advance 09 (I mentioned it in a previous post in the blog if you want the link and all), he talks about knowledge being an idol. Some people study the Bible so much, read commentaries, etc etc, and believe themselves to be not only superior in knowledge than most Christians, but also as a consequence of that knowledge, believe themselves to be superior in general in comparison to other Christians. They believe they have more faith because they have more knowledge about it. Driscoll says that's idolatry. You pride yourself in your knowledge rather than spreading it to further spread the Gospel. Your knowledge brings you power, rather than bringing glory to God.

When I was beginning my Christian trek, and even fairly recently, I encountered that kind of knowledge idolatry. Christians looked down on me as though my questions were absurdly ignorant. Well, you know what? Maybe they were. But looking on me doesn't help me at all. How is a girl supposed to question anything safely when the Christians she asks for help embarrass her with their feelings of superiority? Maybe I've read it all wrong, but I don't think I ever read anywhere where Jesus, who is the all-knowing, all-seeing, almighty God embodied, ever talked down to the people who asked him questions. Sure, he got fed up a couple times (Matthew 23:13-36), but he never stopped teaching in the process.

My all-time favorite teacher was my second biology teacher, Andy. Along with a crazy passion for it, the man had patience I will never understand. You could ask him the exact same question over and every time, he'd answer with the exact same level of enthusiasm. It was fantastic to watch and as an arrogant teen, it humbled me. He taught me that no matter how much you know, it's only worthwhile if you can help somebody else understand it, regardless of their intellectual capacity. He's probably the reason I fell in love with biology to begin with- that's how huge the impact of patience, humility and passion can be.

In studying the Bible, we have people like me, total novices who are clueless as to where to start in grasping God's Word more profoundly and are full of questions and then there are the people who immerse themselves into it but who tend to reach a point where they've begun to hoard the information they've acquired, idolizing it and basking in their feelings of superiority. But just because the two sides can't seem to meet, that doesn't mean the questions should be forgotten. Nor does it mean either the Bible should either be thrown out for its lack of coherence and relevance or we should sweep our questions under the rug for fear of shaking up our faith. What it means is we need patience. We need patience to get answers that satisfy us, patience to answer questions that seem so beneath us, and patience for both sides to become more humble in the process.

The learners have to be more humble in that we (probably mainly me) are so quick to judge those who are in the know as snobby, self-righteous Christians. The teachers have to be more humble in that they might maybe still have a few things to learn, even from brand new Christians.

What if you're wrong?

Take my example above of the women speaking in church. Without any background knowledge, my mind tends to couple that verse with this one:

36 Or did the word of God come originally from you? Or was it you only that it reached?

If I would reword 34-36 in my own words, I'd say this:
The way I (the narrator) see your church, your women are not allowed to speak in church. Their opinions and views are not tolerated. But are you men the only ones affected by the Word of God? Did you write it for yourselves only? Yeah, I didn't think so. For God so loved the world, not just you men.

But according to my study Bible, I'm wrong. Mr StudyBibleGuy says the passage refers to women leading the church and also suggests that women were rude in church, asking questions loudly and disrupting the service.

If God is all-knowing and we aren't, how do we know which of us is right? I suppose Mr StudyBibleGuy has support for his interpretation, whereas I have mere useless feminist gut feelings to support mine.

But what if I'm right?

What if contextualizing the Bible is not what God intended? What if some of it was written for us in the here and now and we miss the meaning because we're busy looking at history?

What if God, being awesome and unfathomable, intended for us to derive multiple meanings from every verse in the Bible? Lowly human authors to it all the time, why not God?

How can such a "stupid" book, read by so many people, leave the world with so many unanswered questions?

Exactly.

On marriage vs family.

I'm angry at the world at the moment. I read on my favorite gay blogger's blog about how a family consisting of two women parents and three adopted children were refused a "family pass" at an Idaho resort because they weren't a "real family".

I understand how Christians tend to see marriage as between a man and a woman. I get that. I don't agree, but I get it. But this? This brings into question what is a family and that is what burns my heart at the moment.

Would a family pass have been granted to a "family" consisting of:
- a man who beats his wife and children?
- a man or woman who molests his or her children?
- a man and woman who sleep in separate bedrooms and fight all the time?
- a man who cheats on his wife every chance he gets?
- a woman who cheats on her husband every chance she gets?
- a single mom with three kids?
- a single dad with three kids?
- a person in their late teens who is raising his/her siblings alone?

Seriously, what is a family?

I grew up with a single dad. My mom left when I was two. The amount of discrimination, gossip and just general stereotyping my dad faced simply because he stepped up and stayed was disgusting. The society I grew up in frowned upon a man raising kids alone.

Obviously, it's not the ideal situation. None of the situations I listed are. But come on, there are differences. Very, very distinct differences.

Heterosexuals are making a mockery of marriage. You can't say marriage between a man and a woman is sacred when you are on your third. You can't say marriage is sacred when fifty per cent of Christians are divorcing. You can't say marriage is sacred when so, so many are committing adultery.

How many times is adultery in the Bible? How many? How many times is divorce in the Bible? And how many times is homosexuality in the Bible?

I was listening to the talks at Advance 09 again and I got to Mark Driscoll's talk on idolatry. In it, he reads the part of Romans which is the "only clear refutation of lesbianism in the Bible". That may or may not be a direct quote because I'm only shooting this from memory, but either way, those aren't my words. The ONLY. ONE time. ONE time in the Bible is lesbianism refuted. That should tell you something. Why are entire sermons, entire talks, entire congregations even, only about homosexuality? Seriously! If there was ever an issue that was secondary or tertiary or even less important than that, it's homosexuality.

Why isn't it a commandment?

If it was THAT important, God would have told Moses. Jesus would have told his disciples. The words would have come from Jesus' mouth if it was that crucial to your salvation.

But no, the commandment that Jesus declared was to love one another. So come on already! Would you all quit with the hate?

Yes, homosexuals are scary for you. Yes, you're afraid they're some kind of demon. You're afraid they're going to convert you to their "religion", even though you're not at all attracted to your own sex. Yes, they are sinners- just like you.

"Have they repented?" you ask.

Have you?

Are they a family?

Is yours?

What kind of family are you a part of? What are you doing to love and help strengthen the families around you? What are you doing as a Christian to help prevent this 50% divorce rate among your brethren? Seriously! Start there! Quit making a mockery of marriage yourselves!

I'm so angry.

I know, I know that there was intolerance to my dad and that is why I'm so angry. We weren't a "real family" and we kids felt that- not from my dad, not while we were at home, but when we were in the presence of others who constantly told us we were lacking something. Why? Why would you do that to a kid?

This family in Idaho had that happen. The park people told the kids they weren't a real family. Do you understand how damaging that is to a child? And you think you're in it for their welfare? Bull.

And I know the angry Christians among you will say, "It's nowhere near as damaging as having lesbian parents." That's just not true. I urge you to put aside your fears and find out. If it was possible and not at all stalkery, I'd ask you to shadow a family, but really, that's what it would take.

What makes a family? Love. Support. Honesty. Discipline. Selflessness.

And you know what? You can bet that the lesbian women are doing a helluva lot better than most people simply because the pressure's on. Everybody's watching. Everything they do is scrutinized. Nobody has more checks to keep them in line than a gay couple raising kids. Nobody. So what are you so afraid of?

I've heard parts of sermons where the pastor says, "Get out there. Befriend non-believers. Don't just hide in your Christian bubble," but that applies to homosexuals too. By blocking yourself off, you're not only not spreading the Gospel the way Jesus intended, but you're also feeding your fears and stereotypes. Don't do it. Don't judge your brothers and sisters so harshly. Don't do it.

But you repent, you say. They don't. First of all, what difference does that make if you keep on doing what you're doing? And secondly, how do you know they don't repent? How do you know they haven't prayed to God to make them "normal" and lift this burden off their shoulders?

But maybe that's why they're gay. Maybe they're meant to show you where your faith ends and your religion begins. Maybe they're here, sharing the world with you to make you understand how imperfect and selective your love is. Maybe they're here to show you what God's love really looks like.

Think about it. And if this post stirs up anger deep in your heart, is that godly? Is that really the heart that you share Jesus with?

Love and hate...

Ah, Romans. I have such a love/hate relationship with Romans. There are some passages, which, when pulled out of context seem hateful, but when looked at as part of a big picture can be more meaningful, and then there are others like Ch 13, verses 8-10 that pretty well sum everything up perfectly:

8 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9 For the commandments, "You shall not commit adultery," "You shall not murder," "You shall not steal," "You shall not bear false witness," "You shall not covet," and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Amen. :D

On true love.

I wanted to write an epic post about homosexuality and religion one day, full of research and back up and such, but today, in an email discussion with one of my favorite people who happens to be gay, he wrote something that broke my heart and I had to blog it. He was explaining what it was like to grow up gay in a churched family, how he'd fight it, pretend it wasn't there, how he forced himself to date girls as a teenager and when that didn't work, how he committed to staying single for the rest of his life and how horrible that felt.

And then he said, "Then, I left God. I wanted nothing to do with him or the bible. If he was going to create me- a creature destined to hell- I wanted nothing to do with him."

I know some Christians (ok fine, a lot of Christians) believe that homosexuality is a choice. And yet, while those of you who are heterosexual cringe at the thought of being with somebody of the same sex, you fail to realize that you haven't made that choice. You never decided to be heterosexual. Did you? And if you feel you did, are you attracted to the opposite sex?

Recently, after piling up my horribly failed relationships, the abuse, the betrayals and being used, I considered trying out the gay thing. I thought since I fail so horribly at hetero relationships maybe I was a lesbian and didn't know it. But in spite of all of the beautiful lesbian women I know all around me, I just can't bring myself to be attracted to them. Given my terrible history with men, it kind of sucks, but I really can't choose to be gay, even if I wanted to. Obviously, I hope this paragraph is taken with the lighthearted tone I intended. Regardless though, I really can't see being gay as a choice.

In a way, if you compare it to a food you absolutely despise, it's kind of a choice. Your body is repulsed by it, but you're not really physically intolerant or allergic, right? You could, in theory, hold your nose, cram it down your throat and flush it down with some sort of strong tasting beverage, right? But what kind of life would that be if you did that for love?

So here is where religion fails, well, at least one place where it fails: when a person is born a certain way and religion tells them they are doomed to hell, regardless of who they are, what they do, how much they fight against whatever it is they were born with and how much they love God. Religion fails when people are told they aren't good enough for God, that their love for God is not good enough for God. Religion fails catastrophically when people who believe in God and love God reject Him because they can't fit into the religious picture of what a Christian ought to be.

In a sermon I heard on Easter Sunday, my favorite pastor said all you need is Jesus. Not Jesus plus something else, just Jesus. Not Jesus plus baptism or Jesus plus church every Sunday. Just Jesus alone. So why do so many Christians say, "Just Jesus... and repent your homosexuality"?

There are treatments for "un-gayifying" a person, and while I'd like to believe that we all know that deep down, you can't cure gay, the Christians who undergo these programs come out saying what they think everybody wants to hear.

But that's not what I want to hear.

Even if it goes against religion hardcore, I still want to hear Christians say, "God created me this way and God loves me and I will honor God by loving the person He created in me." Even if the person God created happened to be gay.

If God created a person to be homosexual, it wasn't an accident. God knows. God is. So how can it be unexpected?

In the sermon on the mount in Luke Ch 6, Jesus tells us to love those who are hardest to love. Love your enemies. Love those who won't love you in return. Give to those whom you know will never repay you. Love them all. And for a Christian, especially a conservative Christian, aren't homosexuals among the hardest to love?

Maybe, if you listen to Jesus and reach out in love, you'll see the love you're missing out on. I love my homosexual friends. I think they're some of the most amazing and passionate people and are easily the most beautiful souls I've ever met. They truly are. They are so loving and honest. It never even occurred to me not to love them. They are just too awesome.

Is homosexuality a sin? If you're gay, that's something you have to come to terms with. If you're not gay, it's not for you to judge. "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first," Jesus said in John Ch 8:7. And He says it again in Matthew Ch 7:3-5, and Luke Ch 6:41-42. We're all sinners and until we sort out our own sins, who are we to point out the sins of others? More often than not, we're even worse sinners than they are.

So let's work on ourselves first. Let's clean up our own act. Let's strive for real righteousness through the love of Jesus. And while we're authentically repenting and growing towards being sinless, only then will we realize that we just can't do it. We just can't.

Isaiah Ch 64:6 says, "But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags." If everything we strive for in an effort to please God ends up like filthy rags, what's stopping us from loving people? What makes your rags better than mine? What makes your rags better than a homosexual's? Has a homosexual ever judged you as harshly as you've judged them? What makes your rags so righteous?

Think about it.

And then remember in Matthew Ch 28:19-20, Jesus said:
19"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

And we can't forget what He commanded in John Ch 13:34:
34 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

So let's.

On hate.

One thing I struggle with about this blog and about my life in general is what to do when people you hate are in a position where they can benefit from you.

Obviously, hating people is not godly and not Jesusy at all, but we all have our flaws and one of mine at the moment is a pretty fiery resentment towards the person who betrayed me terribly a few months ago.

A couple of weeks ago or so, he found this blog and started reading it fairly regularly. Seeing his very recognizable IP in my stats made me really uncomfortable and my writing started to change. I let it simmer for a while, wondering if Jesus would want me to ease up and let him read it in hopes that maybe he might learn something and become a better Christian, but I decided I'm just not strong enough. I asked his friend to tell him to back off, and the friend, for whatever reason, didn't step in and protect either of us from the inevitable hurt that would ensue when I finally stepped up and told the person who betrayed me to kindly leave my blog (and my life) in peace.

Where is the line between helping somebody whose soul is completely lost find Jesus and being used by a demon-like person?

This person, in spite of being responsible for the most horrible betrayal I have ever known, had no idea that reading my blog was an invasion of my person and my life. How does a person who is responsible for so much hurt not realize it unless they don't feel it at all? That idea dabbles into the realm of sociopathy, and that's where it becomes scary for me. If there is no real treatment a sociopath can successfully complete, then there is no way he will ever be able to really know Jesus either, and therefore, there is no way my blog will help other than to give him more fodder to memorize and use to manipulate people.

When he was with me, he reflected my heart to me, and without intending on sounding too prideful, I do have a good heart. When we parted ways, he vowed to work on himself, his fundamental selfishness and his utter meanness, but after the conversation yesterday that resulted from me telling him not to come here anymore, it became obvious that without me around to constantly set his emotions straight and constantly guide him as to what it is to have a loving and kind heart, his heart is dying. Whomever he is reflecting at the moment is not good for him nor his soul. Whomever he is reflecting doesn't have a good heart and consequently, his output into the world is... well... icky.

If a sociopath can't be treated, then at the very minimum, they should try to surround themselves with the most godly people around so that even if they do spend their lives imitating the emotions of others, they're at least imitating righteous and loving ones.

But it can't be me. The feelings of violation that come with being betrayed so badly and finding out everything was an elaborate lie are just too overwhelming to reach out through them. I can't be responsible for giving him the tools to hurt more people. I can't be responsible for him fooling unsuspecting, kind people into thinking he's a good man through reflecting me. The goodness in my own heart will not be a stepping stone for manipulation and just plain works of evil. No way.

But is it godly of me to selectively spread the Gospel? No. It's not very Christian. But I'm a child of God, and if my person is threatened, I have to stand up for myself. I'm a child of God, and not everything in the world is under my control. I can't fix everybody and it's not my job to either. I can try, which I did for over a year and a half with this person, but when my person starts to shatter and I stop being useful to the kingdom of God, it has to end.

What if some people simply cannot be saved? What if some people are the embodiment of Satan? Is that possible? Is it unChristian to suggest it?

If somebody else with whom I don't see eye to eye with reads this blog, it may throw me off for a couple of posts, but I'll get over it and keep on blogging for God. But when somebody whose soul scares mine on top of all of the hurt and betrayal reads this blog... no. I'll pray for him, pray for God to change his heart, pray for God to make him feel, but I can't be a productive Christian when my soul is so negatively affected.

I decided not to help him be a better Christian. On top of my lack of forgiveness and the hate he stirs up inside me, the fact that he is in my life in anyway dramatically affects my salvation. It really does. All of my worst emotions and resentment surround his affect in my life. In a way, they keep me humble because I know the level of hate and anger I am capable of and without a doubt, God knows that about my heart better than I do.

All I can do is ask for forgiveness from God and ask for the strength to overcome the most broken parts of my soul.

Daily bread.

Two things tweeted by PastorTyler this afternoon, which are quotes from Pastor JD Greear from the Advance 09 conference:

"Religious people do "things" to feel good about themselves so they can avoid God."

"Religion reduces God to a set of duties."

So as discussed in my post from earlier today, as a Christian I feel it has become my duty to be a part of the church, and to measure up to fellow Christians, I should be a part of a Christian community (i.e. a church).

In discussing the first quote above with one of my all-time favorite people, Erin, she didn't entirely agree and said, "A lot of things that I do, I do to become closer to God. I believe in worship by actions rather than merely prayer or church attendance."

I guess in a perfect world, our entire life would draw us closer to God, reflect God and bring glory to God also, but we human people are all fundamentally selfish and we're really busy, right? But if we only were to make time for one or the other, in my experience thus far, a person has a greater positive impact on the world around them when they live a life as my awesome friend suggests than if they simply go to church and neglect Jesus in their every day living, afflicted with "Christian Sunday Syndrome", as Erin called it..

Therefore, by studying the Gospel, trying to live the Gospel more and more every day, and trying to teach the Gospel to those around me, I feel I'm a better Christian than I would be as a nominal church-going Christian.

God, forgive me for being comparing through judgment. :D

But you know what I mean, right? I'm not in the worst shape as far as my relationship with God and spirituality are concerned. Well, I hope not anyway. I try my best to connect with God as often as I can simply because for me, that connection, or the strong feeling of connectivity with God, is extremely difficult.

I was listening to another sermon from another pastor yesterday (right now, I can't even remember which one) and at one point, he said something like, "God knows your heart. He knows if you really love Him or not and if you're in it for the long term." But do we know our own heart? Are we capable of really knowing ourselves that deeply and with that much certainty? If we aren't, will we ever feel like we've opened our hearts adequately to God? And if we are, where is the boundary between being aware of your salvation and being prideful of salvation you don't really have?

Sometimes, I wonder if I actually believe in God or if I just love everything that comes with the believing- the challenge, the learning, the peace and the love. In the moments where I don't feel God at all, I question my heart. And while I'm told not feeling God's presence usually happens in times of hardship and tragedy because in those moments, a person feels abandoned by God, personally, lately, I've lost God in the better times. When my heart is at peace, I take advantage to do other things with my time. When there are happy distractions, I let myself go and lose focus. And I really think that those moments are sinful because in my good times, I'm not inviting God in to participate. In the bad times, I'm far more likely to ask God for guidance and help, which is exactly the opposite of how I thought I would feel going into this.

If our suffering is meant to bring us closer to God, I worry that I will have to endure a lot more of it to finally allow God to be present in all aspects of my life. Today, I found myself missing the horrible times I went through a few months ago because I longed for that connectivity to God that I had found in my trauma. I longed for a reason to give up control to God and I wish I could get it somehow aside from through the helplessness that comes in the face of some sort of tragedy.

But I'm glad He was there in those times. I'm grateful that He helped me heal and continues to do so every day. I thought I would never get over it. I thought my heart would never mend and that the wounds would stay perfectly fresh and my anger unbelievably boiling. Time may heal wounds, but I really thought there wasn't enough time in the world to heal these and God stepped in.

But I wish He could step in now. Just on a regular weekday afternoon.

And I guess, somehow, striving for that connection all the time, even if I don't go to church (yet), keeps me from avoiding God and on the other hand, as long as I see church as a "duty", I shouldn't go either. I should go for that same desire and longing for God, not just because I want to feel good about my "wholeness" in Christianity.

Let's see what else has been posted from Advance 09's sessions of today. lol

Resurgence of the Local Church.

There's a conference on right now in North Carolina, and if I had had the means, I so would have wanted to be there. It's called Advance 09 and it's a gathering of some pretty crazy successful pastors who are there to preach about the resurgence of the local church.

Last night, they posted the talks from Day 1, posted here, and so far, I've listened to Mark Driscoll's talk on "What is the church?" and about half of Tyler Jones' talk on the resurgence.

I have to say, after listening to Mark Driscoll's talk, I rebelled hard inside. The church as he defined it is too hard. It's too much work. It's too much commitment. It's just too much. I'm a lazy girl. I love learning about Christianity and growing in Jesus, but am I prepared to give up everything? Am I prepared to give up my time and energy to serve in such an extreme way?

As Pastor Driscoll explained what the church should be, immediately, I felt inadequate and my first reaction to that inadequacy was to run away from it. "This is too fundamental for me," I thought. "There's more to life than church," I also thought. I've had bad enough experiences with the church that the thought of devoting my life to the church itself is nearly impossible for me to fathom.

And then Tyler Jones' talk started. After listening to Tyler's sermons for probably a year now, I've come to know that he always expresses his love for his wife in the most awesome and beautiful way. She has to be the luckiest woman alive. If Oprah would ever have him on her show and he talked about his wife, he'd instantly have the millions of ladies watching craving that kind of love and beginning to refuse to settle for anything less than a truly godly man. It's a really powerful and moving thing to hear, especially for a girl with a broken past who isn't sure if men actually have even the ability to love.

But he gets up there, and he starts describing what his bride meant to him, how she was holy, whole and beautiful and how he cherished her with all his being. It was unbelievably moving. And then he throws in how the church is Jesus' bride. It makes it hard to rebel against the church. It makes it hard to hang onto the deep-seeded resentment and condescension towards what the church has become when such a clear picture of what it should be is laid out in front of you. The church is supposed to be a beautiful thing. A holy thing.

And so my problem really isn't the church itself, but the way it has gotten off track, the way the bride of Jesus has forgotten Jesus. And by not standing up for Jesus and not being a part of the solution, I've forgotten Jesus too.

But I have no idea where to start to fix it. I really have no idea. I mean, I still haven't even found a church here. Honestly, I spend a lot of time every week on Jesus. I listen to so many sermons, I read my Bible often and I suffocate myself with books pertaining to religion in a variety of forms (albeit, slowly because I'm not the fastest reader...) and I think that's enough. I think I devote enough time to Jesus and that self-righteous perspective makes it difficult to get motivated to do any more, especially when the next step is to get other people involved. Sure, I talk about Jesus with anybody who has an open ear for Him (and sometimes, I slip Him in when they don't), and I do try to spread Jesus that way, but I lack the community aspect of it- the social responsibility.

I have to work on that...

Another excuse I give is my dogs. I can't just get up and go on a mission or something because I am committed to my dogs. I promised them a lifetime, and I intend to provide that for them for however long they bless me with their heartbeat. Some might say, "They're just dogs," but they're lives. They're flesh and thought and feeling, just as I am. They're God's children too and with so many dogs suffering in our society, making a commitment to take care of these two is the least I can do, especially considering all that dogs have done for me in my own lifetime. God put dogs in my life from Day 1 for a reason, and in my mind, loving them and cherishing them and fighting for their rights and welfare is part of worshiping that which God has provided for me in order that I might survive. They're His creation and they are a gift to me.

The last excuse [for the purpose of this post :D] is this blog. Part of the reason I started this blog was to minister, in a way. Through spiritual discussions with friends, I've been told I have a knack for explaining Jesusy things in such a way that non-believers have a clearer picture of what Jesus was about and believers, through my different perspective as a new believer, understand Jesus in a more profound way. I have a passion for it, and somehow, God has also given me the gift of the gab and a talent for writing, so it was only a matter of time before all three combined.

It's taken me a while to figure this out, and I have so many drafts started and so many ideas scribbled down on the back of receipts for future posts. Even if an online form of worship goes against what I took from Mark Driscoll's idea of a real church (and maybe Jesus' too, but I hope not), I want to open the non-believing people who stumble upon this blog up to all things Jesusy in such a way that they don't rebel harshly against it. I want to provide a fresh, somewhat educated perspective that hopefully will encourage people who come here to seek a relationship with God by starting at a personal level rather than starting from religion, where they clearly have an emotional block.

I'm not perfect and I'm not even that knowledgeable (not at all, actually) and consequently, I have so much back up research to do before I finish my drafts, but I hope that I can convey what I'm learning along with the passion as I learn it and in the process, worship God, bring people closer to Jesus and use the strength acquired from being open about God on the internet to step out of my comfort zone and help build a community outside the internet.

That's the plan.

Or maybe it's just an elaborate set of excuses to not get involved immediately.

Either way, I'm still learning and still growing.

God gives me a different perspective of traffic.

It's the perfect time to listen to sermons, pray and try to find God in our surroundings, however mundane they may seem at first.

If life is a work of art, here's my attempt at living while stuck in endless traffic.

*it clicks bigger

Books, Chapters, Verses, Back Stories and Not-So-Common Knowledge...

I remember sitting on his bed, right in the middle, thumbing through the silver-edged pages of my new NIV Bible with the navy blue cover. It was my first Bible ever.

"How does it work?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" he answered.
"Well, what does everything mean? How is it laid out? How do you find things in it?"

He took my Bible from me and sat at the edge of the bed. I moved in close enough that I felt the warmth of my own breath on his shoulder.

"See, this is the New Testament. It's mostly about Jesus, His life and His teachings," he said. "It starts with Matthew," he continued, thumbing through towards Mark and onward. "Then you have Mark, Luke and John. They're all versions of Jesus' life."

He explained it section by section and sometimes book by book, and showed me how the numbers worked too. I think a part of him was beyond surprised at how little I knew about it, and the other part of him thought my enthusiasm wasn't authentic.

Regardless, that was my first taste of my first Bible ever.

I would listen to sermons online from the Bible belt and the pastors would often refer to stories in the Bible vaguely, saying, "Remember the story about [insert Bible character]? We all know what happened there, right?" But I didn't. It made it really hard to feel included when even alone, in the comfort of my own home, I felt like a Bibley virgin, pausing the sermon every few minutes while flipping frantically back and forth trying to find the back stories to which he was referring.

Another church I found, which is in North Carolina, was different. They wanted to appeal to doubters and seekers like me.

"Turn to Matthew," the pastor would say at the beginning of a sermon. "It's the first book of the New Testament." That alone grabbed me.

And then it got more complicated. "Turn to Haggai. It's one of the last books in the Old Testament. Most of you probably didn't even know it existed until today."

He'd go through the book verse by verse, defining all of the words that any good Christian should already know by now, and that form of inclusive preaching reached me at a fundamental level and also made me aware that even the most seemingly religious person often had no idea either, but was too prideful to say so for fear that they'd be perceived as a bad Christian or something similar.

The good teachers teach for their students, not for themselves. They exude a passion and a yearning to spread knowledge rather than to prove they're of superior faculties. I was so fortunate to have had the opportunity to begin my learning equipped with the most awesome, passionate teachers who really love God and taught through that love rather than through the self-proclaimed righteousness that causes so many close-to-home religious missions to fail miserably.

If it's not about who knows more about God and therefore, who is the better Christian, then it becomes about teaching each other how to love the way Jesus commanded. It becomes about helping each other become stronger in our faith rather than stepping on others, priding ourselves in our superior salvation.

If believing in Jesus is enough for salvation, then we should just help each other learn why. It's not a contest. The measure of a man shouldn't be how many hymns he knows or how much scripture he's read, but how much Jesus he has actually spread.

When a friend of mine who is in ministry suggested that I start my own church, I scoffed at the idea. I still consider myself to be a complete novice when it comes to religion, religious history and so on. But I do try to spread Jesus as often as I can. I try to spread the Gospel to those around me who misunderstand it and those who have preconceived notions about it which are negative and basically unfounded, despite them being so widespread and considered the truth about religion.

I do talk about Jesus often, and I try hard to keep it positive and easy too. If I see a window, I peer into it instead of throwing Bibles through it and yelling things about hellfire and salvation. All I want is for their mind's door to open a crack. That's all it took for me. And the generosity, enthusiasm and love that was shown to me by my Christian teachers did the rest.

I just wish more people taught Jesus the way Jesus did rather than hiding Jesus in elitism, cliques and religiosity.

I wish more people, believers and non, had the opportunity to learn and to awaken their soul that I had.


ETA: June 3, 2009- How coincidental is it that Mark Driscoll tweeted this short article on teaching today? :D

Legally Married or Legalistically Single?

I've been thinking about this sex before marriage thing some more because, let's face it, when a girl is in a situation where a boy seems to adore her the thought crosses her mind and as I was driving with my sister-in-law today, we got to talking about the difference between religious rules and doing things because Jesus changed your heart.

I tried to explain to her that not having sex before marriage can go two ways. There may be an infinite number of ways, actually, but for the purposes of this blog post, there'll be two. :D It can either be a rules thing or it can be a love and trust thing.

If a person grows up within the church, abstinence is probably drilled into them from the very beginning, if sex is talked about at all. If sex outside of marriage is a sin and that's why you shouldn't do it, then it becomes a rule, and rules are meant to be broken because we all undoubtedly have our rebellious sides. And if the rule seems baseless, it's even more easily broken because there doesn't seem to be any rational reason strong enough to uphold it.

Sex is a powerful thing. We all know that. So why would we deprive ourselves of it for such frivolous reasons as "sin" when we also know that sin can be forgiven? And for those of us who have already messed up, what's one more? And maybe one more after that?

But for some reason, even though it fails so miserably, the law/religious approach to sex seems to be the doctrine the church and even the parents seem to push. God made us to be married and intimacy is made for that purpose, etc etc, therefore sex is wrong for anybody else- it just doesn't work. The minute we hit our teen years, we rebel. The minute we get out of a relationship, we rebel. We rebel whenever we're given the slightest opportunity and since sex has such a strong pull, maybe we need a better, more satisfying reason than "because God said so".

What if not having sex before marriage is a form of worship?

If God wants me to experience the power and "knowledge*" that comes with sex with only one person, then I should honor that. If sex was created for that context and is only what it should be within that context, why would I waste my time with other kinds of sex? If sex is what God intended it to be in a married couple where both parties are fully committed to each other for life, and anything that is what God intended it to be is worship, then why would we settle for less?

As I said in a previous post, nobody would ever argue that sex with somebody you love is better and more fulfilling than meaningless sex. But why do we settle for the lesser of the two? And if the intimate sex within a great marriage is better than both of those, why would we settle for either?

The pleasure that comes from sex in a lesser form is temporary and generally, doesn't provide a long-lasting satisfaction within the soul. We want more. So, again, why do we constantly settle for less?

It comes down to trust. We have to trust that God really does know better than we do and as a consequence of that trust, we should wait to find out what kind of sex He intended for us, rather than constantly seeking our own incomplete version of it.

And if sex within a committed, married couple is worship, then not having sex as a single person should also be as well. It's a way of honoring God, putting our faith in God and loving him more intensely instead of acting based on lust. It's a way of being what we were intended to be at this phase of our life. That's worship.

If lust wasn't an issue, we'd easily abstain from sex. We wouldn't need the justifications or the discipline to do it. We'd just never have the urge or the desire for sex. We wouldn't need excuses.

But I love God and I believe He has more for me than broken, non-committal sexual relationships. I believe that finding the person who will love me, commit to me and promise to work as hard as he can such that he knows he will still adore me and cherish me for decades to come is more important than sex, and if ever I do get married, it'll be different. There won't be the trust issues, the fear of abandonment, and the fear of betrayal.

Maybe I'm idealistic, but I don't think I'd marry a guy who wasn't in it all the way, and if he is, in theory, I should feel safe enough to be able to let go.

I deserve to feel loved, valued, cherished, admired, respected and adored. And I definitely shouldn't have to put out for a guy to realize why I'm important. I shouldn't have to work so hard either.

The guy I have around right now makes everything easy on me. I don't have to work at all, or at least it doesn't feel like it. He's just there. He's supportive and caring. We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but we don't argue about anything either (so far). Granted, it's still new, but up till now, we both seem to put in equally, and maybe he even puts in more than I do. Ok, way more. I'm totally not used to that. I told him I needed time and he gave me time. I told him I needed to figure out things and he helps me figure out things and gives me the space I ask for. In the meantime, he's proud of me and admires me. Being in such a comfortable place so quickly is totally out of the realm of my universe. So of course, when I'm not messing everything up, sex becomes a topic of conversation. As I mentioned, he's not a believer, and I asked him bluntly if no sex before marriage was something he could handle and he was so supportive of it.

If he wasn't, I would have stayed my course, trusting God and letting Him decide how I should use my sexuality. But I'm not abstaining because it's a sin. I'm abstaining because I love God and I want what He wants for me. I'm letting Him guide me this time around.

And so far, it seems to be working out for the both of us, although I really shouldn't speak for God. :D



*knowledge being the Biblical form as Adam knew Eve. i.e. The kind of "knowledge" intimacy brings.