Legally Married or Legalistically Single?

I've been thinking about this sex before marriage thing some more because, let's face it, when a girl is in a situation where a boy seems to adore her the thought crosses her mind and as I was driving with my sister-in-law today, we got to talking about the difference between religious rules and doing things because Jesus changed your heart.

I tried to explain to her that not having sex before marriage can go two ways. There may be an infinite number of ways, actually, but for the purposes of this blog post, there'll be two. :D It can either be a rules thing or it can be a love and trust thing.

If a person grows up within the church, abstinence is probably drilled into them from the very beginning, if sex is talked about at all. If sex outside of marriage is a sin and that's why you shouldn't do it, then it becomes a rule, and rules are meant to be broken because we all undoubtedly have our rebellious sides. And if the rule seems baseless, it's even more easily broken because there doesn't seem to be any rational reason strong enough to uphold it.

Sex is a powerful thing. We all know that. So why would we deprive ourselves of it for such frivolous reasons as "sin" when we also know that sin can be forgiven? And for those of us who have already messed up, what's one more? And maybe one more after that?

But for some reason, even though it fails so miserably, the law/religious approach to sex seems to be the doctrine the church and even the parents seem to push. God made us to be married and intimacy is made for that purpose, etc etc, therefore sex is wrong for anybody else- it just doesn't work. The minute we hit our teen years, we rebel. The minute we get out of a relationship, we rebel. We rebel whenever we're given the slightest opportunity and since sex has such a strong pull, maybe we need a better, more satisfying reason than "because God said so".

What if not having sex before marriage is a form of worship?

If God wants me to experience the power and "knowledge*" that comes with sex with only one person, then I should honor that. If sex was created for that context and is only what it should be within that context, why would I waste my time with other kinds of sex? If sex is what God intended it to be in a married couple where both parties are fully committed to each other for life, and anything that is what God intended it to be is worship, then why would we settle for less?

As I said in a previous post, nobody would ever argue that sex with somebody you love is better and more fulfilling than meaningless sex. But why do we settle for the lesser of the two? And if the intimate sex within a great marriage is better than both of those, why would we settle for either?

The pleasure that comes from sex in a lesser form is temporary and generally, doesn't provide a long-lasting satisfaction within the soul. We want more. So, again, why do we constantly settle for less?

It comes down to trust. We have to trust that God really does know better than we do and as a consequence of that trust, we should wait to find out what kind of sex He intended for us, rather than constantly seeking our own incomplete version of it.

And if sex within a committed, married couple is worship, then not having sex as a single person should also be as well. It's a way of honoring God, putting our faith in God and loving him more intensely instead of acting based on lust. It's a way of being what we were intended to be at this phase of our life. That's worship.

If lust wasn't an issue, we'd easily abstain from sex. We wouldn't need the justifications or the discipline to do it. We'd just never have the urge or the desire for sex. We wouldn't need excuses.

But I love God and I believe He has more for me than broken, non-committal sexual relationships. I believe that finding the person who will love me, commit to me and promise to work as hard as he can such that he knows he will still adore me and cherish me for decades to come is more important than sex, and if ever I do get married, it'll be different. There won't be the trust issues, the fear of abandonment, and the fear of betrayal.

Maybe I'm idealistic, but I don't think I'd marry a guy who wasn't in it all the way, and if he is, in theory, I should feel safe enough to be able to let go.

I deserve to feel loved, valued, cherished, admired, respected and adored. And I definitely shouldn't have to put out for a guy to realize why I'm important. I shouldn't have to work so hard either.

The guy I have around right now makes everything easy on me. I don't have to work at all, or at least it doesn't feel like it. He's just there. He's supportive and caring. We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but we don't argue about anything either (so far). Granted, it's still new, but up till now, we both seem to put in equally, and maybe he even puts in more than I do. Ok, way more. I'm totally not used to that. I told him I needed time and he gave me time. I told him I needed to figure out things and he helps me figure out things and gives me the space I ask for. In the meantime, he's proud of me and admires me. Being in such a comfortable place so quickly is totally out of the realm of my universe. So of course, when I'm not messing everything up, sex becomes a topic of conversation. As I mentioned, he's not a believer, and I asked him bluntly if no sex before marriage was something he could handle and he was so supportive of it.

If he wasn't, I would have stayed my course, trusting God and letting Him decide how I should use my sexuality. But I'm not abstaining because it's a sin. I'm abstaining because I love God and I want what He wants for me. I'm letting Him guide me this time around.

And so far, it seems to be working out for the both of us, although I really shouldn't speak for God. :D



*knowledge being the Biblical form as Adam knew Eve. i.e. The kind of "knowledge" intimacy brings.