On hate.

One thing I struggle with about this blog and about my life in general is what to do when people you hate are in a position where they can benefit from you.

Obviously, hating people is not godly and not Jesusy at all, but we all have our flaws and one of mine at the moment is a pretty fiery resentment towards the person who betrayed me terribly a few months ago.

A couple of weeks ago or so, he found this blog and started reading it fairly regularly. Seeing his very recognizable IP in my stats made me really uncomfortable and my writing started to change. I let it simmer for a while, wondering if Jesus would want me to ease up and let him read it in hopes that maybe he might learn something and become a better Christian, but I decided I'm just not strong enough. I asked his friend to tell him to back off, and the friend, for whatever reason, didn't step in and protect either of us from the inevitable hurt that would ensue when I finally stepped up and told the person who betrayed me to kindly leave my blog (and my life) in peace.

Where is the line between helping somebody whose soul is completely lost find Jesus and being used by a demon-like person?

This person, in spite of being responsible for the most horrible betrayal I have ever known, had no idea that reading my blog was an invasion of my person and my life. How does a person who is responsible for so much hurt not realize it unless they don't feel it at all? That idea dabbles into the realm of sociopathy, and that's where it becomes scary for me. If there is no real treatment a sociopath can successfully complete, then there is no way he will ever be able to really know Jesus either, and therefore, there is no way my blog will help other than to give him more fodder to memorize and use to manipulate people.

When he was with me, he reflected my heart to me, and without intending on sounding too prideful, I do have a good heart. When we parted ways, he vowed to work on himself, his fundamental selfishness and his utter meanness, but after the conversation yesterday that resulted from me telling him not to come here anymore, it became obvious that without me around to constantly set his emotions straight and constantly guide him as to what it is to have a loving and kind heart, his heart is dying. Whomever he is reflecting at the moment is not good for him nor his soul. Whomever he is reflecting doesn't have a good heart and consequently, his output into the world is... well... icky.

If a sociopath can't be treated, then at the very minimum, they should try to surround themselves with the most godly people around so that even if they do spend their lives imitating the emotions of others, they're at least imitating righteous and loving ones.

But it can't be me. The feelings of violation that come with being betrayed so badly and finding out everything was an elaborate lie are just too overwhelming to reach out through them. I can't be responsible for giving him the tools to hurt more people. I can't be responsible for him fooling unsuspecting, kind people into thinking he's a good man through reflecting me. The goodness in my own heart will not be a stepping stone for manipulation and just plain works of evil. No way.

But is it godly of me to selectively spread the Gospel? No. It's not very Christian. But I'm a child of God, and if my person is threatened, I have to stand up for myself. I'm a child of God, and not everything in the world is under my control. I can't fix everybody and it's not my job to either. I can try, which I did for over a year and a half with this person, but when my person starts to shatter and I stop being useful to the kingdom of God, it has to end.

What if some people simply cannot be saved? What if some people are the embodiment of Satan? Is that possible? Is it unChristian to suggest it?

If somebody else with whom I don't see eye to eye with reads this blog, it may throw me off for a couple of posts, but I'll get over it and keep on blogging for God. But when somebody whose soul scares mine on top of all of the hurt and betrayal reads this blog... no. I'll pray for him, pray for God to change his heart, pray for God to make him feel, but I can't be a productive Christian when my soul is so negatively affected.

I decided not to help him be a better Christian. On top of my lack of forgiveness and the hate he stirs up inside me, the fact that he is in my life in anyway dramatically affects my salvation. It really does. All of my worst emotions and resentment surround his affect in my life. In a way, they keep me humble because I know the level of hate and anger I am capable of and without a doubt, God knows that about my heart better than I do.

All I can do is ask for forgiveness from God and ask for the strength to overcome the most broken parts of my soul.