Fear and loving...

I was listening for the traffic on the radio the other day and a show caught my attention. It was some guy (I kind of don't want to endorse him too much because I don't know all that much about him), who was talking about talking to ghosts... Anyway, that's not the important part. The important part was my interpretation of two things he said... I have no idea if he actually said them or if I just heard what I wanted to hear or needed to hear. (Things are always clearer in text when you can review them with a different mindset later on...)

The first was that we walk through life as though we're bodies with a spirit, rather than as spirits temporarily inhabiting a body. It's like our body is the main focus of our existence, when really, if our spirit is eternal, it should be the center of our being. And I don't mean "being" as in organism, I mean it as in living. We should do our best to nourish our spirit and encourage it to grow and flourish.

His take on it involved reincarnation, where we keep re-living in different situations in order to become a sort of whole, perfect soul. As an agnostic, I had a similar idea. I thought there was a possibility that the sum of all of the souls in the world was God. God branched Himself out to feel everything there was to feel from every possible vantage point.

In one lifetime, I could be me, and in the next, I could be a friend of mine, or somebody from the past or future. Time is irrelevant, which would explain why some people way back when were so far ahead of their time. They had experienced more lives than the rest of us. But it'd be so circular. Say a person learns about electricity in this age, and in the next life is born into an age where electricity hasn't been invented yet and therefore makes strides towards more modern technology in that area. He would effectively alter the historical timeline of electricity, right? So what if in every incarnation, history is different? In my current perspective's history, particular people invented particular things, but in my perspective of history in a different incarnation, different people may have invented those same things?

Yeah, it becomes kind of circular.

Unless you throw in God's plan... If He knows what you'll do before you do it, you're just a piece of a puzzle, the picture of which has long since been decided.

Anyway, all that to say while the guy on the radio related it to benefiting your next incarnation and moving you along your path to wholeness as a spirit, I think incarnation is too much of a reward for good behavior. It's like it gives second and third (and millionth?) chances. Why not just better the soul just for the benefit of bettering the soul? Spiritual growth doesn't need to be rewarded.

I was thinking about the possibility of bouncing around, and I thought, "What about my grandfather?" If I bounced from this life into my grandfather's, from my perspective here today, I'd see it as a regression. He was cold, unloving and unforgiving. My life so far has been a quest to learn to overcome those things as much as possible. But in my internal discussion about it, I realized how judgmental and condescending I am. Obviously, I have plenty of room to grow still in this lifetime, regardless of where I bounce, if I bounce. I am by far not a perfect whole soul.

The show also brought up the idea that all of our decisions are made based on either fear or love, and because of our self-protection mechanisms, we tend to lean towards fear.

I look at my life and that is so true. I've made the decision not to forgive the people who have wronged me the most because I am afraid that they'll come back into my life somehow. I'm afraid that letting down those strong barriers that are held up with anger, resentment and pride for even a second will get me hurt again.

If I approached the same decision basing it on love... I'd be an entirely different person. A better person.

Realizing that made me come so close to forgiveness. But I'm still far too afraid.

I'm not perfect.

But from now on, now that I'm aware, I can make decisions in such a way that my soul will be strengthened simply because I will be more conscious of the motivations behind them. Nobody wants to be driven by fear. We are, but we don't want to be.

You know how it goes, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"? I tried to figure out where my heart is.

50% of my income goes to my house.
27% of my income goes to my car and the gas to get me to work.
9% of my income goes to my dogs.
5% of my income pays student loans from my BSc in biology.
5% of my income pays for communication with the outside world (internet and phone).
And the remaining 4% is what I have left over for me, which includes food, medication, clothes, along with any emergency things (like car repairs or sick doggies).

I tried to figure out where my heart is because, really, I don't have a "latte factor". I don't have anything that is an obvious expensive luxury or hobby. I don't even have a cell phone. My car is nice, but since I live so far out of town because I needed a house for the dogs because apartments in the city don't allow big dogs, I needed a reliable car so I would keep my job.

My dogs? They could be a luxury. Not for me, but for some people... But they keep me alive. And that's when I figured it out. My heart is in security. Independent security. I have a roof over my head. I have freedom in the driveway. I have doggies to ensure my mental health and happiness. I have a degree to supposedly give me a foundation to open doors. And I have means by which to reach out to the world if I am ever in need. Through my money, I have created my own security.

At first, it doesn't seem like such a terrible thing, but after looking at it a little while longer, I realized it doesn't give much room for God to move, does it? The only place God can move is in the food department, and even though I've lost a ton of weight in the recent past, there is always food. There really is.

One day, I had used all of my 4% and had nothing left to buy food with, but I was hungry. I decided to "splurge" because of the weight loss and get some grocery store fast food (even though the food blows, they let you pay with a credit card...). I got the cheapest possible chicken meal and the guy behind the counter added a drumstick and a thigh to my order when I wasn't looking. I got to my car and opened the thingy and inside was an actual meal.

And I can't even count the number of times family has unknowingly bailed me out of a caloric crisis by showing up here with some extra salad or extra sausages or an extra bag of veg (yey for unreasonable costco-sized packages that promote sharing).

In that particular aspect of my life, I can't doubt that God has moved and God has been good. I haven't gone without. I always manage to get what I need. I just have to learn how to let go of all the other stuff a little, to stop feeling like I'm constantly drowning.

It seems I base all of my budgetary decisions on fear too.

I guess I have to take way better care of my spirit, have more confidence that it will endure and also have more confidence in the world around me. I have to have more confidence that I will be provided for in whichever way best serves my person- my eternal spiritual person.

Really, I have to have more confidence in God.